Craving alone time again
2006-07-26, 12:00 p.m.

It's a quiet day around here as all the bosses have gone to some meeting out of town for the next three days. So it's been a very relaxed day. I feel like I'm just sort of treading water because I've done just about all I can do with my project until the survey results come in and I can't send out the survey until the bosses sign off on it and even though I gave it to them last week....no comments yet! Ugh.

Life is going okay. I've had on and off again thoughts about wanting to be alone. I think I'm craving some alone time. I even had a brief fantasy that I applied for a job in Portland, Oregon (where I spent 10 years) and got myself a great apartment and just made a new life for myself. But then reality sinks in and I know that I would be lonely as hell. With Eagle I have companionship and family and I don't want to give that up, so I'll keep my moving across country fantasies, just a fantasy.

Don't get me wrong, I do love Eagle very much, but she tires me. It's always something with her and sometimes I feel like I can't face one more problem. But I always manage to. And I really am thankful for all that she does for me. She makes my lunch, she does the laundry, she cooks dinner every night, I've never had that before and I do love it. I can remember when I was married and we lived in an apartment, I would come home and smell some great dinner smells and think, "wouldn't it be nice to open the door and find dinner waiting for me." Not one time did I open the door and find dinner ready. Now? Every day I smell wonderful smells coming from our place and it's great.

My mom used to say that she thought maybe she was "not the marrying type" and I never really understood what she meant, but I think I do now. I think I crave so much alone time that I start to feel suffocated and then I wish I was alone. Right now my ideal life would be, me living alone, going to classes in the evenings, going out with friends, and when I wanted sex I'd get it with no strings attached. But then again, who knows, maybe I'd be lonely and wish for someone. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I'm trying really hard still to keep positive about money. I think that I need to start donating to charities. I have to admit that I rarely ever do. I've been so worried that I don't have enough money all my life that I am reluctant to give away any. I know that's horrible. Lots of people donate all the time, and even the bible and other spiritual sources in my life say you must give out to get back....but it's so hard to part with it....but I'm going to make a concious effort to do so.

That's all that's in my mind for now...my thoughts and good healing wishes go out to Jenn.

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