Hopes and fears
2004-07-27, 8:39 a.m.

It's cold, rainy, and dreary out. What happened to summer? Did it ever get here? How depressing.

Well today's the day. Eagle starts her training at work. I just talked to her. She's up and ready to go. I'm so proud of her. We talked last night and she worried about her past performances at work. But we both agreed that she's matured much more since then. And, as she said, she has someone to not disappoint, besides herself.

Yesterday I was kind of down. I think it stemmed from a call from MyExLove. She called just to see how I was, but she also said, "I want to apologize for not being woman enough to end things when I wasn't happy." I understand the statement, but it left me feeling like she was miserable the whole time she was with me. But how? Am I that difficult to be with? I don't think so. Was it just that she was so in love with TheExFromHell still that she couldn't let herself feel happy with me? What? I don't know, but althought the intention on her part was probably good, it left me feeling down.

I talked with Eagle about it. She's so good to me like that. Then we went to bed and she let me fall asleep wrapped in her arms with her rubbing my back. I had no idea how wonderful that is. I've never had anyone do that for me. Ever. She loves me so well, that I pray that she can conquer her demons so that we can have a healthy, lifelong, relationship. And so far, she's doing good.

Today I'm feeling better. I'm nervous for Eagle. But I think she's going to do okay. I think she's ready for this. Above all, keeping herself busy has proven to be a huge help in battling her addictions. In fact yesterday, she had $200.00 on her and did not spend it on alcohol, or anything else she wasn't supposed to. That may not sound like a big deal, but it is. In the past, just having money on her would trigger her alcohol use. This time, she kept her focus and did what she needed to do with money....and kept the receipts to prove it.

Most of the time I feel so happy to be with her. I find myself grinning like a fool. But other times I start to get this fear that it'll end, and I really need to stop that. I mean if she fucks up again, then she does. I'll have to deal with that and do what is best for me. There is no point in worrying about it.

For the first time since breaking up with MyExLove, I can finally start to see a future. That's good. I had fears that my hope for a good life, however silly that may be, ended when I broke up with her. Looks like I was wrong. That's good.

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