Willing myself to let it go
2004-07-28, 8:29 a.m.

Still feeling kind of down. Maybe it's the weather. It's been damn gloomy for awhile now.

The best part of being down, if there is one, is that my girlfriend is so supportive. She talks to me about what I'm feeling. She seems to know with one sigh, one look, or even the tone of my voice when I'm down. No one has ever cared that much about how I feel. And she lets me whine. She encourages me to just let it out. It's truly awesome. And, before long, she has said something funny, or witty, and distracted me enough to make me laugh. And at night she holds me so tight in her arms and I feel safe and totally loved.

But why am I down? I still don't know. Maybe I need to stop communicating with MyExLove all together. If one phone call from her can bring me down that far, maybe it would be healthier not to talk to her at all. Why does that thought scare me though?

The past 24 hours or so I've thought about some things about our relationship. Such as the fact that she spent Christmas Eve last year at her family's house with TheExFromHell, and we had a fight because she was supposed to come to my house. She did end up at my house around 10:00 p.m., and I was happy with that. How low WAS my self-esteem to accept that? Or the fact that when I moved out of her apartment and into the house, she let me move all my belongings myself. She didn't even accompany me to the house for the first night. Why did I allow that? Why did I think I wasn't important enough to demand that the woman who supposedly loved me, come with me to at least help me unload my stuff. I moved myself. Alone. I brought that up to Eagle last night and she said, in a very joking way, "you were stupid." And I thought about that, and I was. And not stupid in the traditional sense, but just naive and trusting. In that sense, I was stupid most of the time I was with MyExLove.

I trusted her despite proof to the contrary. I questioned her, and let her convince me of what I wanted to hear. All those times she told me she was only still communicating with TheExFromHell because she felt like she owed her something, and that she felt ThExFromHell was too old to find anyone new. Yeah right. What was she telling TheExFromHell about me? I'm only still with SeekingMe because she left her husband, and her life for me. I asked her to be with me and she said yes. Now I feel like I owe her something.

Why am I dwelling on this now? I don't know. I guess I'm thinking about things with more truth behind them then I did before.

I guess I really am down all because of this one person who called to "apologize." Just when I think I'm moving on, she calls and says something, or just hearing her voice, and it brings me back down.

I really don't hold any resentment right now. Maybe that'll change the more the truth of the situation occurs to me. I don't know. I know that I still love her, and I probably always will.....despite it all. But I also know that I can get over her, and move past it. I already have for the most part. But it's funny how the truth can creep up and make you see how things really were, and even though it's over, it still hurts.

Wow, I didn't realize until I wrote all that just how much this was still weighing on me. Okay enough. I don't want to dwell on this anymore. I will myself to let it go already. My life is damn happy right now, I want to enjoy the present, and stop hurting from the past.

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