that demon again
2005-08-03, 9:48 a.m.

I�m angry today. Just when it seems Eagle has her feet pointed in the right direction, her head up, eyes clear, foot raised to take that first step into a healthy and wonderful world with me.....she does a 180 and heads in the opposite direction.....what is that? Never mind, I know ADDICTION. Whatever. I will never ever understand that word. Never.

Yes, I�m blessed with not having to be burdened by addiction, but addiction burdens everyone around, except the person with the addiction. It�s not fair.

It�s not fair to give me this beautiful, warm, funny, caring, loving, intelligent person who says and does all the right things, and then decides on a whim to get drunk and act like an idiot. Why can�t I have the beautiful, warm, funny, caring, loving, intelligent person all the time? Why does she choose, even when life is great and she seems so confident, to go back to her old ways? I know, I know, ADDICTION.

Well dammit addiction is not a fucking reason....it�s just not. I know I sound so cliche when I say that I feel like addiciton is just an EXCUSE for bad behavior.....but isn�t it? I was as addicted to cigarettes as the next person, I�d smoked for 15 years or more. I get those cravings to go light up, but I DON�T. I don�t think up an EXCUSE to smoke and chaulk it up to addiction. Why is that any different than those who claim addiction for THEIR bad behavior?

Don�t we all have the power over ourselves enough to change things? To not take that drink? To not pop that pill? I just don�t get it, and I don�t think I ever will.

The worst of it is, it seems that whenever I praise Eagle for how well she�s doing, it seems that she messes up within 24 hours of that praise. Why is that? It makes me feel like a fool, and it makes me not want to praise her anymore.

Ugh....well I�m here, I had a bad night, if you can�t tell......BUT I�m still not smoking.

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