every step of the way
2005-08-04, 8:42 a.m.

Well last night was challenging. I repeated to myself all the way home, be nice, be compassionate, she�s going through something tough right now, try to understand. I came in the door, kissed her, asked her how she was feeling, she was very uncommunicative. But she had cleaned the house spotless and cooked a great meal. So I kept trying to talk to her, but she wasn�t in the mood to talk, she was sitting there looking very angry and sad. I went out and watered her flowers for her, I cleaned up the dishes from dinner, I complimented her on the house and on the meal. Nothing was penetrating her. I knew that SOMETHING was simmering within her.

Suddenly she let it lose. She let out all her anger, fear, and sadness, and of course, I was the closest target and I got the brunt of it. I tried hard to remember that she was spewing, but not necessarily at me. I did not have to own it. I did pretty good until she picked up my ice water and through the water at me. Soaked, I lost it and chased her into the bathroom where I punched her in the arm and kicked her in the leg and then regained my control and walked away. She had provoked me and I had taken the bait. I sat back down and started my meditation.

Of course my outburst had given her just enough fuel to really lash out at me, but I kept in my peaceful zone and told her that I loved her and that she did not mean what she was saying. I told her that I understood she was hurting and that she was lashing out at me. I told her I did not deserve it. I told her that I wanted to help her, but that is not fair for her to direct her anger at me, she kept saying it wasn�t anger, it was sadness. I said that it may feel like sadness to her, but it feels like anger to me.

Finally she calmed down. We went up stairs and I held her until she fell asleep. I rolled over all night to put my arms around her to let her know that I am there for her.

For the first time I did not want to leave last night. I was able to see her outburst for what it was. Pain from giving up what she knows, drugs, alcohol, etc. I guess I should explain that she had no transportation yesterday and there for was forced to be completely clean. That was the reason that she was behaving the way she was. She will not have transportation for the rest of the week either. We are doing a sort of forced detox on her and its not going to be fun for either of us.

At times, I wanted to smoke so bad, but I didn�t. I stayed strong and although I shed some tears, I kept my strength and conviction, and reminded myself that she was only trying to hurt me so that I could feel her pain. I get that. I understand it, and it helps. It doesn�t make it right on her part, but if she can get through this....I�ll be there for her.

This addiction business is really heinous. I mean what other disease is there that causes so much pain not only to the person afflicted but to everyone around them as well. With cancer, you feel sad to lose that person, but that person doesn�t become this angry, hateful, thing that wants to lash out with as much venom as they can.....with diabetes that person may need someone to help them with injections, and things like that, but most times they are not going to be subjected to verbal assaults.

I know that I made the choice to be with Eagle despite knowing what she was. I know that. But I often wish that I�d walked away when I�d had that chance. I know that I can�t walk away now. I just can�t. I love her, and she needs me, and I need to be needed, and so here I am. For better or for worse, I�ll be there with her, just as long as she keeps up her end of the fight.

Thanks for the well wishes, and I know that I need to get into an alanon program soon. I�m working on it. In the meantime, I�m maintaining my sanity, my peace, only I can control that, and I won�t give her the power to drag me into her pain. Hopefully she will get through this week and keep her feet planed in the right direction. And I�ll be beside her every step of the way.

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