learning learning learning
2003-08-11, 8:55 a.m.

This weekend I learned a lot about myself. I discovered a peace that I forget existed in me. I also cried and missed MyexLove immensely, but only for a short while. I got scared and I overcame a few fears too.

My sister and I decided to check out this gay bar. First I have to say that just before getting ready to leave I got terribly sad and scared. I thought that it had to do with MyexLove, but now looking back it was total insecurities. Here I was, about to go out and put myself up to comparsion with all the other lesbians out looking for that "perfect" one, and I was intimidated. So I decided it would be a good idea to smoke a joint. And it worked! And all of a sudden I realized. I am a grown woman, I am beautiful, I do not have to answer to anyone except myself, I can do whatever I want to do! Wow...it was a freeing experience.

I discovered new things about myself....like the fact that I can drive my car stoned....and then I realized, that's probably not a good thing to realize about yourself. But it was such a strange thing to finally realize that I am who I am and nobody can tell me what to do!

When I got home, there was a message on my phone from MyexLove, MyCrush, and MyexHusband! Yeah I was feeling pretty popular.

Sunday I went to church and I am sooooo glad I did it. The message was about letting go of our baggage and just letting things be. Stop trying to make them into what you want them to be. I felt my mom's presence with me and tears came to my eyes. The choir sang so beautifully it sent shivers down my spine. And when I say church I don't mean your traditional church. It is Renaissance Unity and it is more of a spiritual place than a church. I even bought my first rainbow necklace in their bookstore. Just being there gave me a sense of peace that I'd been missing for so long. I can't describe how great I really felt.

After church I went to mycrush's place to help her with her new computer. While I was there my brand new cell phone rang and guess who it was? Yep, MyexLove. Hmmmm. She asked where I was, I told her and I could tell it disturbed her...but hey life's a bitch!

All in all I had a really great and powerful weekend and I am so thankful for that. I have this vision of myself now swimming up from the depths of despair and shedding all my attachments along the way....MyexLove...TheExfromHell...MyExHusband....all left behind as I emerge from the cold, dark place and into the warm bright comfort of peace.

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