I know how to pick'em
2005-08-11, 10:07 a.m.

I'm sitting at my old desk for the day today. My old department was short staffed so they asked me to help out. It's odd to be back here, but okay.

Last night I went to see my car. I was shocked at how much damage there was. It's amazing that no one was hurt. After seeing the car I was angry all over again. I tried hard not to let it out on Eagle when I got home becuase the LAST thing I want is to fight with her about this. It's no use. She's going into treatment on Monday (its all set) and that is that. But she of course wanted to try and provoke me. I just kept calming stating that I am feeling angry about the situation, but that I'd rather not get into it because there's no point, but that if she kept it up, she'd end up unleashing my fury. She wisely stopped.

I went to bed alone, I know she came to bed around 4:00. When my alarm clock rang I decided to sleep in and go into work late, I really needed the extra hours of sleep.

This morning Eagle got up with me and asked me if we could buy some pot so she'd have it when she got out of the treatment center. I nearly lost it at that point. But I calmly told her that she absolutely would not be getting pot. She cried that she did want to quit the pot, I told her she had no choice. She has got to come out of the treatment center clean of everything. If she were to smoke pot when she got out that would trigger her to use other stuff and she knows it. I also told her that she will most likely be on some type of probation at the very minimum and they will test her. She has got to get her head around the idea that this is it. When she gets out of treatment she has to live THE REST OF HER LIFE clean and sober. She said it's not fair. I agreed. But life is not fair. It's not fair that I can't eat what I want without getting huge. It's not fair that my mother got MS and died at 59. It's not fair that her sister died of cancer. Life is not fair and there's nothing you can do to change that. But if she doesn't get her mind into focus on being completely clean, this treatment will not work. I then told her that life for her will be much harder if she decides to use again. Her parents have said they will cut her off, I will leave her, she will be penniless, eventually homeless, and alone....but she'll have her pot...is it worth it? I can only hope that she gets it.

I'm feeling less numb now. I'm not angry, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that she is only going to treatment for me and for the threat of going to jail....and not because she truly wants to get clean. But I can't think about that. If she comes out and starts using again, I just have to be strong enough to pick up the pieces and move on....without her.

So that is my life....isn't it so very exciting? As my ex-husband says....I sure do know how to pick'em.

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