Venting out some anger
2004-08-18, 8:29 a.m.

I'm here, I'm tired, and I've got a headache. Yucky. I think I'm getting a cold too because my nose is all stuffed.

Other than all that....I'm doing good. Eagle and I went to her counselor's last night. I'm not sure what the point of it is for her though because she doesn't really talk about much. We talked about the pot smoking and she agreed she needs to work on that. Other than that...nothing.

After the appointment we went to meet some of her new friends from work. They were all very nice, but they're all in their very early 20's. And it shows. Big time. Was I truly that dumb when I was their age? Well maybe dumb isn't the word for it. But let's just say that I can only hang with these people for small amounts of time. And the really cool thing of it is...Eagle feels the same way. She is realizing that she has matured and now when she sees these young kids in their early 20's she can say, "yeah I remember that mentality, but I'm glad I don't still have it." Very cool.

Yesterday we were evactuated from work due to a bomb scare. During the three hours we had to wait, I ran into my friend who is also a real estate agent. She had helped MyExLove and I look for a house. After I broke up with MyExLove she continued to help her. I hadn't really spoken to this woman in a while, so I went up and said hey. She told me she was a bit peeved. I asked why. She proceeded to tell me that MyExLove went and bought a new condo (not a house as she had told me) with a new agent, and then told people that she dumped her as her agent because she couldn't trust her. Her feelings were really hurt. I'm pretty sure that MyExLove thought that she was telling me her and TheExFromHell's secrets, but she wasn't. She didn't even tell me when the house that we originally bid on fell through. The only way I knew she was still acting as her agent was because MyExLove had told me. Anyway, I just thought that it was kind of rotten for her to get dumped, but even worse that MyExLove felt it necessary to tell people she couldn't trust her....that's just wrong.

During the conversation I found out that the day after I broke up with MyExLove....she and TheExFromHell went to the inspection of the house that WE were supposed to buy. So tell me.....how do you replace this person you've supposedly been in love with for 15 years in one night? Everytime I hear crap like this it just hits it home once again that I meant nothing to her.....and that hurts. I don't think she ever would have given up TheExFromHell. Just wish she'd have been a big enough person to be honest with me and not let me think that she loved me and wanted to "be with me" forever.

Yeah, I'm having some anger issues about it right now. I guess it's just a phase. But to think about the fact that I spent so much time looking for a house for her and I, then we find one we both like, and then I break up with her, so the NEXT DAY, she brings her "other woman" to the inspection, all set to move into this house WE picked out together. That just makes me ill. I'm so glad that house fell through. I can't imagine knowing that they are all comfy in the house I picked out....you know? I hope they're happy in their new condo together. They deserve each other.

Okay gotta let that anger go. It does me no good to hang on to it. Besides I'm pretty damn happy. Everyone who talks to me lately tells me I look so much happier now. And I am.

Sometimes the relationship with Eagle can be exhausting....but most times it's very rewarding, loving, and comforting.

MyExLove may have a good paying job, she may be a responsible adult with no addictions....but Eagle is a loving human being who actually cares about me and my feelings, and wants to show me everyday how much she loves me. I'll take that over anything MyExLove could have given me.

In fact I'm really trying to think of a new name for her because I really don't want the word love in the name for her anymore....any suggestions?

My love now is Eagle. I don't want MyExLove to have any part of the awesome love that I give. She had her chance at that and fucked it up.

last - next