Need to stay on the sunny side of the street
2004-08-24, 9:07 a.m.

Okay I think I have more to say. I'm just going to wing it. I'm feeling kind of lonely. With Eagle going through what she is going through right now, she is not herself, and I miss her. It's hard to look at this person that you know and you love and they look the same, but they're not. They are so down and sad and they've lost all hope and there's no logical reason for it. I want to believe that people can just snap out of it, but I know that's not true for many. I just wonder why it is that I can usually bring myself out of a deep depression within a day or so. But she cannot. As I guess many people can't. I should be thankful that I had the mother I did. I actually am very thankful for her. I never saw her get down and stay down. She taught me the art of being happy with what you've got, how to make the best of every situation, and how not to dwell on things you can't change.

Despite my best efforts, I have been missing MyExGF somewhat. I think that I miss her strength. I used to lay in bed behind her and put my arm around her and feel the love I had for her just course through me. It energized me. I do miss that. I wonder sometimes if she does. I doubt it though. She wasn't much for cuddling...at least not with me.

Don't get me wrong though, its even better now that I love someone who actually loves me back. It's nice to cuddle up to Eagle and even when she is the most down I've ever seen her, she still hugs me back. I can still feel the love she has for me back.

Yesterday Eagle said, "I'm no better then your exes, I promised you a happy life, and now look at me. You deserve more, I should let you go and find someone better than me." I felt so sad to hear her say that. I told her that she is better than my exes because my exes never loved me like she does. They never showed me their love. They took and they took, but they rarely gave. She gives all the time, and if we have to go through days, weeks, even months where I have to give a lot more that's okay. Because I know that as soon as she's capable, she'll give it all back to me.

The hardest part about it for me is not to let myself get sucked into her depression. I have so much empathy sometimes that I can feel her pain and that's not good for either of us. One of us has got to stay with their feet planted on the sunny side of the street. So that's where I've got to stand and remain. Waiting in the sunshine for the time that she'll be able to step out of the shadows and join me once again.

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