they're chasing me
2003-08-26, 8:48 a.m.

Still hanging in there. I'm doing good actually. I've been spending a lot of time with Eagle lately and wondering what I'm doing. I really like her a lot. She's so caring, affectionate, compassionate, intelligent, a wonderful cook, funny, and very attractive. But, she has a couple of very big issues. She has an addiction problem. She is addicted to alcohol mostly, but marijuana has become it's replacement. When I think of a life with her, I see us always struggling for money. But I also see us very loving, and enjoying life and each other. I also see me always wondering if she'll pick up the bottle again and turn into someone I don't know.

I've also been talking to MyexLove a lot. MyexLove is responsible, punctual, intelligent, authoritative, somewhat controlling, sometimes very generous (other times not), self-sufficient, very attractive, and I'm in love with her. With her I see the American dream life. Two kids, two cars, a nice house, vacations, etc. But I don't see as much fun.

It's like Eagle and MyexLove are two extreme opposites. And both of them are telling me they are changing, and working on themselves. I keep telling them both, not to do it for me. But somehow I think I can't stop that.

Throw into the mix my ex-husband who says adamently that he does not want me back, yet calls me daily. Says he wants to move on, yet breaks up with the first woman he started to fall in love with.

This is such a strange position for me. All my life it's been me chasing whomever I thought I was in love with. It's been me clinging on to them for dear life. I don't know how to act now that people are chasing me.

I keep telling myself just take it day by day. Don't make any decisions until you are ready. Hell, don't make any decisions before Christmas at the very earliest.

But it's hard. Sometimes I want to hang on to Eagle and not let her go until I feel that stir of love for her. Other times I want to take MyexLove into my arms and tell her I forgive her and that she can come back to me and all is well. And other times I want to run from both of them and find that person out there that doesn't need to change, that can love me the way I deserve to be loved, right now.

But I choose to not do anything for awhile. I'm not a bad person to spend time with. I know that I won't be alone forever and being alone now is building my strength and confidence.

last - next