over developed superego
2003-08-28, 8:56 a.m.

My psychiatrist says I have an overdeveloped superego. Or in other words I feel responsible for the whole world's feelings....well yeah I kinda already knew that.

She ended up giving me a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug that I can take on an as needed basis. I'm not sure yet if I'll even get it filled, but I might. Anxiety has definitely been an issue with me lately.

Last night Eagle called me a billion times. She had asked me to hold on to half her pot until Friday and not to give it back to her. But yes, of course, she wanted it last night. The problem was that I was with MyexLove. I couldn't very well drive over and give Eagle her stuff or have her come get it. Besides that....she told me not to give it to her...so I didn't.

But then I had to deal with voice mails of her crying, emails with her pissed off, etc. I don't need this. I just don't.

So yeah I spent the evening with MyexLove. We packed more of her things and loaded them up and we talked, we made love, and we cried a lot. She cried like I've never seen her cry. She kept saying she was so sorry and that she made the biggest mistake of her life. She told me how beautiful I am and how I did nothing wrong in our relationship. She told me she always loved me, but kept pushing it away because she didn't feel she deserved my love.

The whole time I was with her, I could feel a blockage that wouldn't allow my heart to feel what I know is there. Which is a good thing. But then as we were making love something slipped and I started to feel that rush and I made her stop. And then I sobbed. And she held me while I sobbed and she apologized and she soothed my hurt and she cried with me.

I wanted so much to ask her to stay the night, but I didn't. I couldn't. I can't let her back in right now. This morning that block is still in tact. I will not let go of my defenses until she proves herself to me. And the first step to that will be getting TheExfromHell out of her apartment.

So today I'm anxious about Eagle, I am feeling somewhat repulsed by her actions of yesterday. She had asked me to do this for her and yet she changed her mind and suddenly I'm the bad guy. This is EXACTLY why I don't want to be her keepr and I'm angry that I let myself be something I didn't want to be.

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