realizations
2003-09-04, 9:00 a.m.

I'm feeling better today. I think the hormonal cloud of despair has lifted. I am still confused though.

For two days in a row MyexLove hasn't called me until 6:00 p.m. However, if I'm with Eagle or out with anyone for that matter, she calls me non-stop...but let me be at work...and she doesn't seem to feel the need to talk to me so much. So, yesterday after not hearing from her all day again, I made plans. Eagle invited me to dinner and to meet her friend and soon to be roommate so I accepted the invite. I also made plans to stop by some other friends to help them with their printer.

Anyway, of course around 5:30 MyexLove decides to call. I tell her my plans and she's angry. She's actually angry. I tell her that she didn't have the courtesy to call me all day long, I'm not going to sit around and wait for her like I used to. She whines that she wanted to see me. I said too bad.

It felt good. It felt really good. But I don't know what that means. Did it just feel good to say that to her knowing she'd end up calling me four or five more times that night apologizing? What if she hadn't? What if she had said, fine be that way. Would I be okay if she decided she no longer wants to try and get me back? I think I would. I think it might almost be a relief.

I made a startling realization last night. Eagle and I can talk, laugh, be ourselves together, much more than MyexLove and I ever have. Maybe, just maybe, MyexLove isn't the one for me.

MyexLove and I have a date tonight, I'm wondering if I'll still get the same rush...part of me thinks that I won't. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

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