just a thought
2003-09-05, 8:37 a.m.

It's Friday...thank God! I've had a horrible week. I know that a lot of my depression this week has to do with my hormones, but it also has a lot to do with my situation.

Today though I'm feeling much better. Last night I had a date with MyexLove. I'm not sure what I'm feeling anymore about her. I'm starting to wonder if she isn't just a habit for me. Or maybe I've just suppressed the love I had for her so much that I don't feel it like I used to. Yes, I enjoy being near her, but it's not the same.

She and I talked and she said that she realizes that she can't make me just sit and wait for her. I need to do some living. She just doesn't want me to settle. And she feels that if I end up with Eagle that I would be settling. I'm not sure if I would be or not.

Eagle on the other hand is extremely depressed whenever I spend time with MyexLove. She wants me to choose her right now. I can't do that. I won't do that. I do like her a lot, but I don't love her...not yet at least. But I can see a future with her. But it scares me because I wonder if it isn't just the part of me that needs to be needed that is responding to her. I don't know. I just don't know.

I do know that when she gets really pushy about it, I want to run. When she backs off, I don't want to run.

I keep having to remind myself that I don't have to choose anyone but me right now. I'm actually not feeling bad being single. I'm enjoying it. I'm not as lonely as I thought I'd be.

I just have to stop trying to make myself choose, why should I have to? Hell it's only been a month since we broke up. I've only known Eagle for a few weeks....that's not a long time.

I hear myself complaining right now, but I think that a big part of me would probably be feeling a lot lonelier if either of them stopped wanting me. That's truth for ya. I wonder if I need to break away from everyone for awhile and just concentrate on being me, alone with just me.

Just a thought.

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