love fucking stinks
2003-09-08, 8:55 a.m.

Would somebody please tell me what the fuck I am doing? Cause I have no clue anymore.

When I'm with Eagle...I am starting to feel love. But is that real? When I'm not with her, it's not so much. When I'm with MyexLove I love her...when I'm not...not so much. What the fuck?

Friday I spent at a concert with MyexLove and we had an awesome time. The best time I think we've ever had together. We cuddled and we talked and we laughed and we acted silly together. It was fun, but then when I asked her to stay the night she said no. When I asked her to spend sometime wtih me on Saturday, she said no. She says it's because she wasn't feeling well. How can I argue with that, without feeling like a heel? But yeah, the back of my mind I wonder....why does she not want to spend that time with me?

So Saturday I went to the gay bar with some friends of mine. And while I was there....I wished that Eagle was with me. I longed for her. As I got drunker and drunker I missed her more and more. I wanted to go to her house and crawl into bed with her and make love. But was that real? Or was it the alcohol? Or was it the fact that I hadn't heard from MyexLove all fucking day?

After the bar, the phone rings at 3:00 a.m. it's MyexLove. She says she called to hear my voice, but is that it? Or is she calling just to see if I was home?

Sunday morning I call MyexLove she says she's going to visit her mom's...but says NOTHING about wanting to come see me. So I make plans to go to Eagle's to hang out. MyexLove calls on my way there and is angry that I am going to Eagle's cause NOW she says she wants to see me.

What it comes down to is this. I love MyexLove, but I'm not sure if she is what I want anymore. I could love Eagle, but I'm not sure she is what I want. All I want to do is just be for awhile. Why can't I just do that? Why does my heart have to beat faster when I see Eagle? Why do I crave the love she gives me? Is it the love that I crave regardless of the person? Or is it her?

I tried to explain this to MyexLove. I told her that Eagle is doing and saying the things that I want and need to hear and feel right now, and she's not. Why? If she wants me back sooo bad, why isn't she willing to give me what I need?

Fuck that, why am I even worrying about it? Is it that inconceivable that I don't need her? That I can actually live without her? No, it's not. Why am I hanging on to her? For her security? For what "might" be someday?

Well now that I've established that I am completely losing my mind.....I think I'll just shut up now.

Love fucking stinks!

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