Different Types of Love
2004-09-10, 8:33 a.m.

Ding dong the witch is gone! Well at least for today. The boss is out of the office today. It is so sad that we all did a happy dance when we found that out.

Well it's been a full week and Eagle has gone to work every day. That is awesome. I think she actually enjoys her job too. And I know that she gets a sense of fulfillment by helping others. I'm very proud of her. However, she's gonna have to learn how to work AND help with housework. She's been slacking on the latter for awhile now. Its time for me to crack the whip a bit. But overall, I am completely impressed by her.

I came to realize a few months back that she was much deeper into her addiction when I first met her then she let on. I did not realize she had been drinking so heavily from the time I met her until the time I became her girlfriend. Maybe I was naive, maybe she's just good at fooling people, but whatever the reason she got me to fall in love with her before I found out the truth. Once I fully realized it, I upped my convictions that she was NOT to have any alcohol at all while she was with me. As we know from the May 28th incident, that was hard for her to do. But, I can honestly say, that since the fiasco that made me move back out, she has not had any alcohol.

We've talked about her cravings, and she has said that at first they were bad, but now they aren't and it gets better every day. When I compare her life to a year ago, she has really come a long long way. Therefore, I am very proud of her.

I'm proud of me too. There have been a lot of firsts for me in this relationship. But mostly I'm able to be strong, forceful, and not take any crap in this relationship. I say it like a mean it and it's working. It really is working.

Don't get me wrong though, there have been many days that I wish I could have had this with MyEx. Even though I love Eagle tremendously, and that love grows everday, but I still have not reached the depths of feeling that I did with MyEx. It's discouraging to realize that I'll probably never love Eagle the same as MyEx, and that makes me sad. Because Eagle loves me so much, she actually cherishes me, and that's something that's new to me. I've been loved, but never cherished like I am with her. Eagle has shown me so much more love then MyEx ever did. It's heartbreaking that I can't feel for her what I felt for the ex.

Eagle knows this too, she brings it up to me sometimes. What I tell her is that I don't love her and the ex in the same way, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe I loved MyEx too much. Maybe it was an unhealthy thing. Because I loved her so much, the fear of losing her paralyzed me. It allowed me to believe all the crap she handed me. It allowed me to lose respect for myself and resort to this pathetic needy person. I don't really want to feel that way anymore. I need to be able to love me first and my partner second and with Eagle, I do. But when she looks me in the eye and askes me if I love her the same as I loved MyEx, I can't lie to her, and that breaks my heart. The only thing I can tell her is that the love she and I have now, feels like a healthy one. One that can grow, evolve, and most importantly....last a lifetime.

Boy, I didn't know all that was in my head. I can hardly believe I've been writing in this journal for over two years now. I'm glad I started this, it has helped me see myself in a new light. It really has helped me to find myself.

Okay enough retrospection, I'd better start doing some work. Happy Friday!

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