Seems I have more to say than I thought
2004-09-16, 8:23 a.m.

Lately it seems, I don't have much in the way of deep and profound thoughts. I guess that's not really a bad thing, because it means my life is smoothing out. Right? Well let's just hope so.

Eagle and I are good. I was angry yesterday with her though because she spent some much needed money on some frivalous stuff. I tried to explain to her the need for us to discuss purchases and money. I realize that she's new to this. She's used to not having any money and having everything she needs handed to her. She apologized and promised to be more careful. In the meantime, however, I must try to find some money from somewhere to cover my car payment that comes out in a week and I don't have the money for. Somehow, I'm not really that worried about it today. I don't know why. Worst case scenario, I'll be a few days late on my car payment, for the first time in over a year. It won't kill me. Just pisses me off.

Other than that though, Eagle is doing fantastic. She's working all her hours, picking up after herself around the house, not being crabby or bitchy, being very loving, and apologetic. I hate to let my hopes soar too high though, so I'll keep my enthusiasm reigned in for awhile and see how this goes. I do know that her moods tend to be cyclical. But for now I'll enjoy the peace and love that we have and hope that the next bad cycle isn't too bad....and that maybe, just maybe those bad cycles will eventually fade away. Wonder if that is too much to hope for.

MyEx called me the other day. Said she just wanted to see how I was. It sucks that my heart skipped a beat when I heard her voice. We talked for about 20 minutes. I didn't tell Eagle, I figured that she'd just make much more of it than it really was. Hell, I'm not even sure what it really was. I can't help but wonder if MyEx regrets losing me. She claims that her and TheExFromHell are happy together and that they even had a commitment ceremony, which I somehow don't believe. I don't know why I seem incapable of telling her not to contact me again. Honestly, I don't want to lose touch with her, but why? It's not like we'll ever have some great friendship that I'll be missing if I don't stay in touch. It's irrational I think. It's just the fact that she is my first real love and I guess my heart just doesn't want to cut that final tie.

For awhile I think I hoped that she would do some grand gesture to get me back. Like I'd walk out from work and see "Take me back" written in the sky, or a billboard on the freeway, or some other crazy thing to get me to take her back. Something to show me that I meant THAT much to her. That's probably what this is all about. I just have never felt that I meant anything to her. After it was all said and done, I doubt most of the times we had together. I doubt the love she said she felt. I feel like I was just a temporary replacement for her real true love. Or a pawn to get her real true love to do what she wanted her to do. I wanted to know that she felt for me what I prayed so many times she felt. It's hard to realize that the person that you thought was "IT" for you, didn't think you were "IT" for them. It's very humbling. I think that's what it comes down to now that I really look at it. I was never "IT" .... TheExFromHell, has always been "IT" for her....I was just a temporary patch that lost its effectiveness eventually. That kind of sucks. Oh well, life and love goes on. I need to get over this rather ego crushing relationship and see it for what it was. A learning step on the path of life.

Well, did I really say I didn't have much to say? Amazing how stuff just comes out when I let myself start rambling.

With all that said about MyEx, I have to admit that my heart is healing. I am forgetting the hurt and the pain that I felt. Don't get me wrong, if I think about some of the bad times I can bring that pain back fresh as ever, but why would I want to do that? I don't. But it feels good to let it go and start to move away from it. And with this letting go and this healing, my heart is starting to let my relationship with Eagle move into a deeper one. I feel this love starting to mature and deepen. I love my home, I love my partner, I love (most times) my job, I love my life. It's all good. It's time I start to look at the good and stop remembering the bad. Stop comparing to what I might have had if this, and if that....it doesn't matter. I am happy. I am loved. I am free. I am content.

And now, I am done. Thank God eh?

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