Catharsis
2004-09-16, 12:15 p.m.

Well it seems that MyEx read my last entry. She called. She wanted to assure me that I was "it" for her, but her pride wouldn't let her be it. She loved and still loves me more than anyone, but couldn't let herself be that person I wanted her to be.

We talked for awhile. It was cathartic. It does help the ego to know that she really did love me. Really does still love me. We talked about how, although we love the ones we are with, it seems it'll never be as deep as what we felt for each other.

Every instinct in me wants to believe what she says. But the logic in me wonders...is this yet another game? Does it really matter? I got the answer to my questions. Yes she loves me. Yes she regrets what happened. Yes she fucked it up and she knows it. Yes, she thought about trying to get me back, but didn't want to risk rejection. All these aknowledgements, you'd think it would give me peace. Maybe it does help. But it puts that question of "what if?" back in my head. What if I'd have just gone ahead and moved in to that house with her? What if I had demanded that she stop talking to TheExFromHell way back in the beginning? What if I had made her move out of their apartment? What if, what if, what if? I goes on and on.

I guess all I can do is fall back into my age old adage that says, "everything happens for a reason" and "we are right were we are supposed to be." It's too confusing to do otherwise. Is there a part of me tempted to run for it? To tell her I love her and to run away with me? Yeah. But I won't. I can't. If we were truly meant to be, we'd have been by now.

If she truly wanted it to work with us, she would have let TheExFromHell go a long time ago. If I truly wanted it to work, I wouldn't have gotten involved with Eagle.

But it helps to know that she felt something for me. Hell, that she still feels someting for me. And, in a different time, in a different place, maybe....well just maybe.

I told her that just because we love each other and probably always will, does not mean that we were ever compatible. She has what she wanted in TheExfromHell, and I've found what I've longed for in Eagle. That is just the way it is. For good or for bad, it just is.

We promised we would not settle, and that if we ever found ourselves single again, maybe we'd try it again.

Who knows where life leads us. It is not for me to guess, just for me to follow, and follow my heart, my desires, my dreams....and right now that path leads to Eagle.

MyEx....I will always love you. I will probably never love anyone the way that I love you. I'm sorry we did not have a happy ending with each other, but hopefully we will each have our own happy endings. Thanks for your honesty and for swallowing your pride to assure me that I do have value in your eyes, that you do regret things, that you do love me.

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