have to break the news tonight
2003-09-22, 8:39 a.m.

I so needed the past four days off. It was really great. I think I had the best weekend I've had in a very long time.

MyLove is different. In a good way. She's calmer, relaxed...you can even see it in her face. I'm really starting to believe that she has FINALLY got herself together and she knows what she wants and that is a life with me.

Tonight I'm going to Eagle's to have the talk. I promised her awhile ago that if I felt that she no longer had a chance with me, so to speak, that I would let her know that. So, that is what I'm doing. And no, it doesn't all have to do with MyLove and I. A big part of it is the same issues I've been dealing with her since the beginning. She is irresponsible and immature and she needs to learn how to take care of herself first. I do not want a relationship where I have to be the parental figure. It's that simple.

I can sit here and say that no matter what happens with MyLove and I that I would still feel the same about Eagle, but I know that's not the complete truth. I know that if MyLove breaks my heart again, I'll be hurting, and I'll crave the love that Eagle gives so well and so willingly, but I can only hope that I would not rely on her for that...knowing how I feel about her other issues.

I'm not looking forward to what I have to do tonight. I'm going to be hurting her and I know that and I'm just not used to being the one that breaks up. It's a hard thing to do, especially when guilt affects me so well...but it wouldn't be fair to continue letting her think that we have a future, because right now we don't.

Other than that, I'm happy today. I'm ready to face the day and all it's challenges. And it's a different feeling that the one I had before MyLove and I split up. I feel happy and confident within myself, not because she loves me or because I love her.

I'm starting to believe that maybe everything that has happened with her and I was meant to happen because in the end it made me stronger and I believe it will make her and I stronger too.

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