melancholy
2005-09-27, 9:01 a.m.

So last night I was sad. I was sad that I got home and Eagle was stoned and dinner was burning on th e stove. I had to walk in and take over. The peas were goners though. I baked the garlic bread to go with the spaghetti (the noodles were on the limp side), and then I ate. Then I cleaned the kitchen.

I�m so worried about money right now it�s horrible. I guess I�m going to have to go to one of those payday advance places and borrow $100.00 for next week. I hate to do that, but I don�t see what choice I have. I have no gas in my car, we will be out of cigarettes by the end of the week, plus we have to pay for bowling. All of that has to come out of $75.00. That�s impossible to do. But I did take Eagle�s ATM card away from her, and I�m keeping mine out of her reach too. There will be no more spending on her addictions dammit. This is pissing me off.

So on top of feeling broke and miserable last night, my step mom calls me out of the blue. I was really quite shocked. She said she had been thinking about me and wanted to call and chat. I was skeptical at first. I thought maybe she was calling for my dad or something and that this would turn into yet another religious lecture. But it wasn�t. She said that she can understand how I feel and that if she were me, she�d feel like she�d been cheated out of a dad. She said that my dad is not a very communicative guy (not the first time I�ve heard that from one of his wives), but that he does love me very much. I told her that I don�t know that, and I�m tired of trying. It seems as if he�s always had a reason to have a wall between us and I�m sick of it. She said she has tried talking to him about it. But I don�t know. I do know that it felt good to have her call me. I may have old met her several times, but she seems to care about me and my relationship with my dad and that�s a first. So we�ll see.

Then I went upstairs and Eagle was waiting for me. She asked me if I would rub her back and I said no. I said right now I could really use some loving and rubbing. She held out her arms to me and I cried on her for awhile. I just feel so alone sometimes. Most people have someone they can turn to when they need something....like a $50.00 loan. Not me though. I have no one. And yeah Eagle has done amazingly well thus far, but this weekend was hard. I�m not used to the fighting and her being so childish. And I�M SICK OF BEING BROKE!

I know part of this melancholy is PMS. I know that for a fact, but I still hate being broke regardless. And I�m tired of being the rock. I want someone else to be the rock for awhile. I�d like to be the weak, �please take care of me� person for at least a week! Is that too much to ask for???

Sadly, there is no update on the locked entry from yesterday either.

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