where I live
2003-10-06, 9:32 a.m.

What does it mean when you lock yourself out of your house not once, but twice in two days? It probably just means that I'm forgetful, but I think it may also have a more significant meaning than that. I think it means that I don't want to be living where and with whom I'm living. At least on a subconcious level.

Conciously it's great. I love that I'm not lonely and my one roommate and I have been friends forever and roommates several other times before. He and I get along really well and have no problems letting the other know when they do something that pisses us off. His wife, however, is a bit more of a challenge.

His wife is what you'd call eccentric probably. She says and does some really strange things sometimes. Sometimes these things are comical, but most of the time they just make you shake your head and think, "What??"

But I think my subconcious wants to be living with MyLove and starting our family. Instead I get to see her on her days off and it's great, don't get me wrong, but then she goes back home and it's a week before I can see her again and I hate that. I truly hate it.

But...the weekends that we spend together are awesome!! We have connected like never before. Sexually we have let go of all inhabitions and I have discovered a sexual appetite I did not know existed within me. Nor in her. We have a lot of sex in the two to three days we spend together and it's amazing sex. I think personally my roommates are jealous because they are always making fun of us. They say that I'm too loud. But I seriously cannot help being loud. I cover my face with a pillow, I keep my mouth shut, MyLove has even put her hand over my mouth, but I am still Loud! I know that MyLove gets one hell of an ego boost from it though!

Emotionally MyLove and I are connecting too. We're still not afraid to be ourselves with each other. That sounds like it should have been simple but it wasn't. Now it is. We can banter back and forth great now. Each getting the chance to burn they other with a smart ass comment and the other thinking of a way to get her back. I always dreamed it could be this way...and it is.

Under all of it though. I haven't lost me still. That is important to me because last time I did lose me and this time I haven't. This time I've actually found myself and found a strength and a confidence I never knew I had.

This relationship FEELS good now. It FEELS right. And most of all if it ends...I'll hurt, but I'll be okay. My life does not depend on MyLove, it only depends on me.

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