talking, sharing, discovering
2004-10-06, 8:20 a.m.

Well Eagle and I got the chance to talk last night. At first it was tense, she did not want to hear what I had to say. She fell back into the same thought process of...she's not to blame it's her disease that makes her do what she does. I told her I can appreciate that to some extent, but she needs to start putting some of her positive coping mechanisms that I KNOW she has into play instead of falling back into her same patterns. It was tense for a bit, but I didn't back down and she finally....agreed. I nearly fell out of bed. But she agreed. And then we set out some plans. Already she has been trying to document exactly what substances she takes every day. But lately she had stopped doing that. So we agreed that from now on, every night at 11:00 p.m., just before bed, we will document everything and I will make notes as to what moods I see from her. We both feel it will help her to see on paper exactly what she is ingesting every day and what affect it had on her.

We also have begun reading A Course In Miracles together. Check out the link for more info about it. But it is something that I studies for five years beginning at 18. I really believe that it is that study at that age that set the foundation for my adult belief and support system. I believe in it, I feel it, and I hate to admit it, but I've forgotten a lot of it. So Eagle and I are going to use some time each evening together to read and study this, discuss it, and put it into practice. I'm very excited about this, not just for her sake, but for my own too.

Last night as I lay trying to fall asleep it ocurred to me that I started this journal in an effort to find myself, yet most of what I talk about is other people in my life. But then I told myself, that's okay because a huge part of the person that I am, is this person who feels joy in helping people they love. That's part of who I am, and I accept that. The difference now is that I have begun to achieve a balance between myself and the other people in my life, more than I could before. I cannot be the kind of person who withdraws into myself and stops feeling empathy and concern and offering my support to others. I don't want to be that person. It gives me the most joy in life to see the joy in the faces of the ones I love and care about most. That is a discovery that I'm glad that I have made about myself.

And if I don't want to discover getting yelled at by the boss, I'd better get to work!

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