Really crappy weekend
2004-10-18, 9:46 a.m.

Not doing too well today. Had an emotionally exhausting weekend. Woke up late this morning and just got to work, an hour late. Luckily the boss seems to be in a good mood.

So this weekend. It was bad. Eagle fucked up royally. Friday evening we both went to different rooms to work on our Sweetest Day gifts for each other. We had decided to make our cards/gifts instead of buying them. So I went upstairs and she stayed downstairs with the roommates. I came down at some point and realized the roommates were drinking. Eagle, however, assured me that she was not, and would not. I believed her. She drank. When I confronted her she became irrational and kept me up until 7:00 a.m. with her drunken crying and irrationality. I tried ignoring her, I tried yelling, I tried reasoning, there was nothing I could do. I just had to wait for her to pass out. The next morning she had a therapy appointment and I told her she'd better get her ass up and go or we were going to have a SERIOUS problem. She got up. She puked a lot, had the shakes, but she got up and we went to therapy. We told the therapist about the night and I got to air a lot of my feelings to her when she was sober and there was a witness there to hear me. She agreed to start taking anabuse and to find a support group. The rest of the day was actually pretty great. She was apologetic and loving all day. THere was no tension between us. We went to the Humance Society to just look at dogs, and we took one home. I'll get into more of that later.

So then we get to Sunday. Sunday Eagle awoke in a mood. She became illogical as the day went on. She cried, she screamed, she was irrational. She accused me of yelling at her (which I had not), accused me of not doing any housework, of not understanding her, it was just really irrational and NOTHING I said made a difference. I ended up having to just do the best I could to passify each outburst she had and try to take her words and let it go. Not fight back. Not tell her she was wrong and illogical, because if I did she just got worse. It was exhausting.

Finally around Midnight, she snapped out of it and apologized. But the damage to me had already been done. I now sit here at work, emotional and exhausted.

I know most people would say run, get out, don't put up with it. But I can't. And not to rationalize it, but this is the first time she's been like this in almost a month. Previously this would be a weekly occurance. She IS getting better. But I need to figure out SOMETHING that I can do when she does get like that. Or I'm going to end up a basket case myself.

During the course of the day yesterday, I tried to figure out what prompted her mood. I have some theories. The most obvious one is that she was wracked by guilt. Friday she fucked up, she and I both knew it. Saturday I did not spend the day punishing her. In fact, I may have gone the other way and ended up rewarding her (which is my own issue) and Sunday she felt the guilt. Not wanting to accept her guilt feelings she projected them on to me. It was almost like she was saying, "why aren't you punishing me for getting drunk on Friday?" I don't know. I'm not a psychologist, but it seems to make sense.

But here I am now, on the verge of tears, wishing I could hide under the covers for the day and make the world go away. I feel trapped and helpless. I feel scared and manipulated. I feel hopeless. I feel like this is it. This is my life. I've created this chaos that is my life forever.

I know rationally that these feelings are a result of this weekend. A result of a lack of sleep, of emotional turmoil, and frustration. But damn.

During the therapy appointment I told Eagle how I felt on Friday and I asked her and the therapist what can I do in the future? I can't leave because Eagle get's suicidal; I can't ignore her because she won't BE ignored; I can't fight back with her because it just makes her worse; I can't rationalize with her because she is irrational. Where does that leave me? Eagle and I have GOT to come up with something because I cannot take that kind of mental bombardment and not lose something of myself in the process, and I refuse to lose myself again.

I'm making an appointment with my therapist this week. I hadn't been to see her in awhile and she called me. It felt nice to know that she was checking on me.

I'm just typing now in random thoughts. I've got some many things swirling around my head right now. I love Eagle. I really do. I know this more than I ever did now. In the past few months I have let down so many walls that I had built and she is fully lodged in my heart. When I see her huring, I hurt. I want to help her, but I KNOW logically that I cannot heal her. I can only support her healing.

I also know that her drinking impulses would not have come back like this if not for the roommates. They drink and Eagle just knowing that they had alcohol made her obsess about it. It's a trigger. If I had known that they drank like they do, I would not have agreed to let them stay with us. I told them Sunday in no uncertain terms that there is to be NO alcohol in the house and if I see it, I'll dump it. They are moving November 2 so that's good.

Eagle has been really great for the past month. I know she is getting better, I know this is just a relapse, but what can I do for me? How do I rebuild myself? How do I not let her relapse tear me down? How do I build up the hope and confidence I had? She needs me to be hopeful. I need me to be hopeful. Hopelessness sucks.

I guess I need to focus on the positive. Being that we overspent again this weekend (yeah on the dog), we are broker than broke. I don't even know how I'm going to get to work, or pay for parking for the rest of the week. That alone is enough to depress the hell out of me. How do I squeeze out hope from that?

Okay enough pouting. I'll be okay. The good news is, we got the best dog. Although he is rather neurotic and has a fear of stairs. We have to pick his 60 pound butt up and carry him up the stairs. No kidding. He's a lab/shar pei mix. He has the most gentle nature. He's five and had a rough life. But he's very loving, and quiet, and calm. Hopefully he'll get over the stairs issue though. I don't know what possessed me to get him. We had no business spending the money at all. I don't know. I'm dumb. I'm weak. I'm a fool. There I go again.

Fuck.

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