back to work
2004-10-20, 8:42 a.m.

Yesterday's entry had to be ended quickly as she walked in the door. She said, "oh I see you're bitching about me in your journal huh?" I just laughed.

I continued my relaxation despite her pouting yesterday and I feel much better today. By the end of the evening, she had relaxed and admitted that she was feeling irritable...ya think?

Anyway, we were able to go upstairs early, watch some t.v., and fall asleep at a reasonable hour for once. This morning she got up with me and drove me to the bus stop. It was nice. She seems to be feeling less down and irritable today. Let's hope this phase has passed. Although we'll be out of pot until Friday so we'll see how she handles THAT.

I was really depressed the past two days. I think it's a combination of things. Sunday was the two year anniversary of leaving my ex-husband and moving in with MyExLove. It was kind of hard. I'd hoped when I made that move that she and I would be together happily ever after....but that obviously did not happen. Now here I am in a relationship with a recovering addict, broker than broke, going to work every day while she sleeps in, and then coming home and getting bitched at for not helping her around the house more...and all of that with nobody to turn to. No family. I have friends, but I don't feel like I can bitch about Eagle to them, they only like her marginally at this point anyway.

But this morning I feel much better. I got to air some of my feelings to Eagle yesterday and she and I both discussed the fact that she was in a depressed state as well and when she gets like that, its hard for her to be logical. Which sucks for me. It's like having a conversation with a wall. But as usual, we worked things out.

It seems that no matter how bad things get sometimes, we are able to come together and realize how much we love each other and it makes it better. I know this won't be the last time that we fight for days at a time, but it's nice to see that this is happening less and less often. Maybe eventually it won't happen at all.

The most important thing for me to keep in my head is that when Eagle goes off for no apparent reason, it's her issue, not mine. And most times I think it's her projecting her own guilt onto me. She sees me get up every day and go to work; come home every night tired; yet she complains because she got up at noon and did a lot of work around the house until 5:00 p.m. so therefore when I get home, I should take over. Fuck that. I said I'll help around the house, that's only fair, but I will not be made to feel as if her measly five hours of work or so qualifys her to order me around when I get home. I don't think so.

The boss is in training all day today and for the rest of the week. Yahoo! That makes me very happy.

Well I'd better start to work. I've decided to stop censoring this journal when Eagle and I fight, or when she uses, or whatever. It'll make it easier for me to track her moods/relapses, etc.

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