teetering
2004-10-21, 8:57 a.m.

Well it was tense when I got home. Eagle was in a MOOD by the time I got home. She pouted, cried, got testy, and it didn't matter what I said or did. Finally I just stopped talking at all. Then she calmed herself enough to let me talk to her. I reminded her that this feeling of hopelessness and sadness will go away eventually. She wanted to say that it won't, that it's always there with her, and I wouldn't let her get away with that. I told her she has to put into her mind the happy times and to "act as if" she is happy, even though she feels like crying. It's the only thing that will get her through this.

She wanted to argue that her feelings were not a result of her. That they were due to the fact that she lost her job and that she wants the roommates gone. I wouldn't let her though. I told her that her feelings are a combination of everything. But mostly from her using. She said she's tired of feeling this way, and I told her that she needs to get serious about her recovery then. The more she uses the more her moods are going to be unstable. Period.

I then pointed out to her that she has come a long way. Her moods used to be
much more unstable, and that she used to have a melt down every Thursday or Friday. But now she goes weeks in between.

I think I got through to her, because after our talk, she was better. Not happy, but better. And, instead of fighting sleep like she normally does, she came to bed with me early, took her meds and feel asleep with her arms around me.

I can only hope that she wakes up this morning feeling better. I'm going to encourage her to get into that support group that she promised she'd get into. She has an appointment with the therapist tonight and her psychiatrist tomorrow.

I tell ya, I can be a positive person full of encouargement most times, but it was hard last night. I've been on the verge of a serious depression myself lately and it's taking everything that I have within me to hang on. I thank my mother every day for instilling in me some wonderful coping mechanisms. Without them, I'm not sure where I'd be today. I did decide last night that I was smoking too much pot. I used to be an ocassional smoker when I started dating Eagle, now it's become everyday and that can't be good for my moods either. So last night when the roommates came home and smoked, I went up stairs. I believe in everything in moderation and the pot smoking had gone way past moderation. It wasn't hard to say no to it either. It had started to get to the point where I was sick of it anyway. Sick of the smell, sick of the lethargy, sick of it period. I'm not saying that I won't smoke again, I'm sure I will, but I'm going to try to keep it to the weekends only.

I've got my therapy appointment in two weeks, I wish it were sooner, but she had no times that I was available open till then. I'm doing okay though. Just tettering on that edge of sadness. Sometimes I feel like this is it. This is my life. I'm going to be with this person that I love and who (most of the time) loves me wonderfully. But every so often she'll get into a MOOD and take it out on me, and that's just it. That's my life. Take it or leave it. I don't know. It sounds worse than it is. In most ways I'm happier with her than I have been with anyone. She doesn't cheat on me, she actually does a lot of really nice things for me, things that no one has done before. I just wish that she could get a handle on the using. But I know that it's up to her. I also know that I'm not trapped and that if I decide that its not worth it, I can leave if I truly wanted to. I have enough friends and family to help me. I know that. But right now the bad times are not bad enough to tarish the good times.

last - next