Amen
2004-10-25, 9:18 a.m.

Here I am. Survived another weekend. Actually, it wasn't too bad. Friday was a little touch and go because Eagle feel SO put out that I bowl on Fridays. But, the good news is, one of my team members has to quit, so Eagle gets to now bowl with me. So hopefully I won't have to hear her whine about that anymore.

Saturday I was pretty down. I just didn't feel like trying to explain myself to her anymore. I figured eventually she'll be in a place where she can hear me and we can talk about it and NOT fight.

So Saturday we went out and did some errands and had a pretty enjoyable day. No fighting, no tension, I was just kind of quiet. Finally she asked why I was so quiet and I made something up, but she knew better. God she sure does know me. Anyway I told her that I didn't want to talk about it then because I was too tired, and everytime I bring it up, we fight. She softened. So she let me speak. I got it all out. All my frustrations for the past week. I told her honestly, calmly, intelligently, logically. She didn't speak, and just listened.

I think it made an impact. She's doing better. Much better. She still needs to get a handle on her use of caffiene pills and pot, but she started taking her anabuse, so hopefully drinking will not occur, and if it does....she's going to be way too sick to be an asshole.

Only one week to go before the roomies move out. THANK GOD! It's not so much them driving me crazy, but they drive Eagle crazy, who then drives me crazy in return. Plus with them gone, their influence and triggers will be gone too. Hopefully Eagle can get back to the routine we had just established when they moved in, and get a handle on her cravings once more.

Saturday night I experienced me first night ever of insomnia. I could not sleep at all. If I did doze off, I'd wake up 20 minutes later. Finally around 9:00 a.m. I got out of bed and went to church. I'm glad I did. Once again I got energized. I came home smiling and whistling. Eagle was in a good mood too, though she didn't go with me. We went to have dinner with her mom and the three of us chatted very easily. Eagle did not lose her temper with her mom at all. It was nice. Really nice.

Last night, I was afraid that I would not be able to sleep. But I did end up falling asleep about an hour after I went to bed. That is unusual though. I usually take no more than about 10 minutes to fall asleep. I think I'm stressed. You think?

Actually I feel better today than I have in awhile. I got a lot off my chest with Eagle; she actually listened to me and aknowledged she could see how I might feel that way. We discussed a lot of issues and were able to clear some air. It felt good.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I'm freaking out slightly about turning 35 next month. It's just such a big number. I always thought by the time I was 35 I'd be happily married with at least one, most likely two kids, house, etc. But the way my life is right now, I'm almost in limbo. The only thing I have to my own name is a leased car! But as they sang in church on Sunday. "Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright!" And during that song my faith was renewed. I felt a release of fear and stress that I've been hanging onto needlessly.

I've realized of late, just how hard on myself I can be. I get down when things don't work out just perfectly. Life is not meant to be perfect. I need to cut myself a break more often. Life is just life and I've made it for 34 years, and I'll be just fine for the next 34 years at least. It'll be all right. Amen.

Speaking of church, I really want to volunteer. They had a volunteer drive this Sunday. But it's just so much time to devote. We'll see. I want to become a part of the church community, but I also want to spend time with Eagle on the weekends, but when I broached the idea of her volunteering too....she didn't say anything at all. But at least she didn't say no right off the bat. We'll just have to see I guess.

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