Loving myself
2004-10-27, 8:57 a.m.

I have $7.00 in the bank for the next week and a half. Isn't that a wonderful way to wake up? That sucks! I switched banks recently and I hate the new bank. It takes forever for things to clear, things clear and then they go away and come back. I know I should be more disciplined in writing down everything I spend, but I can't do that. It just sucks, sucks, sucks.

Then on top of it, yesterday I get a call from MyEx. She says that she got a call from a bill collector on MY phone bill. Great. She says they tracked her down because her name was on the phone bill...which I do not understand. But whatever. She says she's going to pay it so it won't go on her credit. I told her that she didn't have to, I'd call and straighten it out so it's not on her name. But it was just so damn embarassing.

Ugh. I'm sick of thinking about money. When I was single this was not a problem. When I was with MyEx it was not a problem. But with Eagle, the ever demanding Eagle, it is. And it sucks.

Last night I was feeling really stressed about the money. She went to her mom's to help her out and to earn some money. When she got home, we ate dinner, we talked a bit, and then she got into one of her moods. She's always telling me to let her know how I'm feeling more often, so finally I say, "would now be a be a good time for me to talk about how I'm feeling." She said no it would not be a good time. Well, fine. I rolled over and started to get that cold dark feeling of lonliness come over me. All the hurts of the past, all the worries of the present just started to overwhelm me and at any moment I would cry. Then I heard myself inside my head say, "it's alright baby, you're going to be just fine." And I felt this warm feeling of love come over me and suddenly I realized that this was me talking to myself and loving myself. It sounds so weird to say it out loud, but it's the first time I've ever felt such love for myself. I've spent my entire life loving other people and feeling those feelings for them, but never for myself. My mood lifted and I smiled to myself, because it's true. I will be okay. No matter what.

As I was laying there feeling much better, Eagle rolled over to me and apologized, she put her arms around me and I told her, "I'm fine." I was smiling and I tried to explain to her what had just happened within me. I don't think she got it. But that doesn't matter. I got it. And today, it's still with me.

I made a deal with myself that says, I don't have to worry about the future right now. Eagle and I are good most of the time, but I'm beginning to realize that her use is worse then I'd ever suspected. I know that no matter how much I love her, or how much she loves me, I cannot and will not stay in a relationship with her if she does not start actively working to overcome her addictions. That's all I'm allowing myself to think right now, I'm not giving deadlines, or ultimatums, or bargains right for the future. But it's filed in my head and when the time is right I will take the action needed if it becomes necessary.

In the meantime, I'm loving myself. I'm feeling a power within me that I've never known. A power that says, "no one will ever be allowed to take that power from you again."

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