sick and heartsick again
2003-10-31, 9:29 a.m.

I feel like shit today. Actually I've felt like shit for about 24 hours now. I think it's the stomach flu. Lots of neausea, stomach pains, and overall feeling of blah...I SO wanted to call into work today, but I didn't. I'm such a fucking suck up lately.

So last night I met MyLove for dinner. I was feeling crabby and sick, and then she walks in looking crabby...and it didn't go so well. I ended up telling her that I'm tired of being loved by her, only at her convenience.

I'm tired of being easily pushed aside when the rest of her life gets all her attention. I told her I realize she's got financial concerns and she's worried about losing her job. But there's always some "good" reason for her to dismiss me all the time...and I'm sick of it. I want someone who will value me and my love all the time.

She suggested that if it's too hard on me, maybe we should just say fuck it and split up. I told her I don't want that, but that it seems to me we're heading in that direction. But I told her that she and I broke up once already and she got me back, if we break up again, and I get over her AGAIN, I won't leter her back. I told her to think long and hard about that.

She needs to decide if her worries about money and work right now justify losing me forever.

I don't want to lose her again, I really don't. But as a good friend has pointed out...I'm not getting what I want or need out of this relationship right now, and sooner or later I need to decide to give it up and find somebody who will be able to give me what I need. In the meantime I need to be able to give myself those things.

Well that's all now, I think I'm going to go throw up now.

Oh and Happy Fucking Halloween!

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