I still matter
2003-11-07, 9:03 a.m.

I still matter. Despite the fact that MyLove can take something that she has blatantly done WRONG, twist it and turn it around, and make it seem like MY fault. I still matter. I'm not letting her do it this time. I'm not.

I can't say that I don't love her, because I do. I always will. But her control over me is running thin. I am taking me back.

I know that she has the ability to talk to me the way she knows will get back in my good graces. I know she has the ability to love me incredibly well. If at this point she chooses to start doing those things again, I can't say with complete certainty that I won't fall back into it again.

But right now, I don't think there's too much danger in that because she's too busy throwing her own pity party and trying to make me feel bad for her and all the poor choices she's made that has gotten her where she is. She is too busy trying to make me feel guilty for, "not being there for her."

But those tactics are not working anymore. I still matter, and it is not my fault what has happened. It is not my fault that I moved in to "be with her" and two weeks later she started a long distance relationship with her ex. It's not my fault that she strung us both along for a year. It's not my fault that she dumped me when the ex moved back. It's not my fault that she shelled out the money to move her ex, and moved them into an expensive townhouse to live, and depleted her bank account in the process, it's not my fault that she realized that she loves me and made a big mistake, it's not my fault that she feels she can't leave the the townhouse at this time, AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT MY FAULT THAT SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT!

I still matter and I am not going to feel bad for her stupid choices. I love her, but if taking back the control of how I feel about her decisions means that I'm not there for her. Then I guess I'll have to live with that.

Because I matter!

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