back to work
2003-11-12, 9:30 a.m.

Well I'm back to work after a four day weekend which SUCKED! All except Friday night.

Yesterday I took my car in and the collision place is going to fix it and charge it to the valet company, BUT they can't get to it until tomorrow and HOPEFULLY they'll have it back to me before the weekend. What a royal pain in the ass!

Monday I spent the day with my ex-husband going to a funeral. It's a very tragic story. A friend of our's brother killed himself. It seems that his soon to be ex-wife was inventing child abuse charges against him in order to win custody of their children. She had already won a big cash settlement and child support. Anyway, he was charged by the police and told his girlfriend that he would rather die then put his daughter through the stress of testifying against him on something he didn't do. So he hung himself. He was such a fun loving person it was hard to believe he would do that. But I guess one never knows.

During the day my ex-husband and I talked a lot and he seemed very weird. Finally he just came out and told me that he is STILL in love with me and that everyone he dates can't compare to me. We talked a lot and I told him that he needs to be able to move on and let me go. I'm not coming back. I want to be his friend, but that is all. I finally got him to see that what he and I had was just good friendship, but there was no romantic spark. I told him that I need that spark now. The next day he called to tell me that the talk helped and I was glad.

The strangest part of spending the whole day with him in a way that we would have when we were married, was that I felt NOTHING. At one point he took my hand to help me walk up the stairs to the church and I felt NOTHING. How could I have loved this man for so many years and now feel nothing for him other than caring? I even tried to imagine the thought of kissing him and the thought of that actually made me feel very uncomfortable. I was married to him for so many years, but I wonder if I was EVER attracted to him?

Lastly there's MyLove. I haven't seen much of her lately. She's always got a good reason why she can't. I've told her it doesn't matter. The less time she spends with me, the more time I have to find myself and find out what I really want in life and in love. I warned her that if she continues to not make me a priority in her life, I'll make ME a priority in my life. She asked what that meant and I told her that I'm going to start living my life for me and doing what I want, when I want regardless of her and her feelings. That means if I meet someone I want to get affectionate with, I will. If I want to go out with someone and not come home that night, I will.

MyLove also told me that there's drama going on with TheExFromHell and her daughter. Basically TheExFromHell is playing her usual manipulation games and using her daughter in the process. And it pisses me off. And it pisses me off that she seems to get away with it. But whatever. I don't have the time or the energy to give two shits about her anymore. I really don't.

Tonight is counseling and then dinner with my friend Dobbie. She's my cynical friend....just what I need right now. NOT!

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