drunkeness
2003-11-17, 8:44 a.m.

Well I just deleted my first entry completely on accident. Shit! I've got a ton of work to do today and I don't have time to rewrite it all.

Basically I had a good weekend. I finally got the chance to meet with TheExFromHell in person. I got to hear her say that MyLove told her that she wants to be with me and that the two of them are nothing more than roommates. I do feel much better. Do I think TheExFromHell will try to manipulate MyLove again, yes. But I also think MyLove is strong enough not to let it affect her.

MyLove then went with me to take my grandmother to see my grandfather in the hospital. It is getting harder and harder as I get old to watch all my loved ones die one by one. I used to think I was so lucky to have them all alive when I was younger, but now...it's hard. I sometimes get angry at my mother for dying and leaving me to deal with all of it alone. She was always so good at dealing with these things. I can only hope that I learned well from her.

Saturday night MyLove took me out and got me drunk. I mean wasted drunk. I've never been that drunk in fact. But it was fun. She told me that being with me, makes her want to be a better person. We said a lot of things to each other and I was especially loose lipped, but that's okay because I didn't tell her anything that wasn't the truth. I told her that I never let myself get that drunk because I can't let anyone take care of me. But she said she wanted to. And she did. She took very good care of me that night and I felt loved and I felt trust.

Well I'd better get myself working. But I had a great and very eye opening weekend. I am happier than ever that she and I are together. Yes sometimes she gives me less than what I deserve. But other times she gives me so much more than I ask for. It balances out in the end. I got an email from anonymous person telling me I should get out of this relationship. That I'm too grateful for the crumbs that MyLove gives me. I appreciate the thought, but it's hard to convey in writing what she and I have. Yeah sometimes I bitch, somtimes I'm happy, somtimes I'm sad. But underneath all of that....I love her with all my heart. And, as long as she is willing to make the efforts she is making to be with me. That's who and what I want. Maybe I deserve more, but maybe this is what I want. In fact I know it is what I want. But NO, I won't wait forever. I'm just choosing right now to believe her and believe in her love for me...and the hope that it'll all work out in the end for the best.

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