Another failing examined
2006-11-30, 9:42 a.m.

Okay I�m soliciting feedback here. I need to know. Is there something wrong with me if I don�t feel like I have the desire/ability to bond with a child? Let me explain. When I met my ex-husband he had a three month old niece. Over the 12 years we were together, she grew up and she had a little brother. My ex and I were close to his sister (the children�s mother) and spent a lot of time with them, not to mention holidays and birthdays. Yet, I never bonded with those kids. They grew up calling me Aunt, I loved them, but I never had that bond form. I never really felt like they liked me all that much, and there was NO logical reason for that. Now, here I am starting over with a new child, Eagle�s nephew who is 3 and a half and whom I�ve known for three years. He calls me aunt. We play and he hugs me and I hug him, but again no bond. No feeling like I want to pick up him up and hug and kiss him. Nothing. Yet, I feel that way about my dog! I want to hold her and cuddle her and I feel warm and gooey inside when I do that. But a child? Nothing. What is that about? Is it that I just don�t have that maternal thing? Is it a form of protection against the realization that I won�t ever have any of my own? Is it that I never got close enough to a child? Is it that my dad was a cold and distance person and I just take after him?

Okay, now more importantly, how do I change it? How do I make myself fall in love with children? Feel maternal and loving toward them? I have tried to get closer to Howie (Eagle�s nephew), we play trains and puzzles, he hugs me when he sees me, I hug him. But what else can I do?

You have to realize that I see this as such a failing on my part. I mean everyone loves kids! I�m a warm and nurturing person, or so I thought. People come to me for comfort. Yet I cannot feel that warm gooey feeling for a child. There must be something seriously wrong with me. Right?

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