Ups and Downs
2003-1-14, 3:55 p.m.

I�ve been in the new house now for almost three weeks. So far so good I guess. I have times when I�m lonely, but overall I�m feeling pretty good. MyLove and I have had our ups and downs. New Year�s Day we had a �new lease� that lasted for about four days. I gave into my suspicions that she had not yet really let go of TheEXfromHELL as she said she had, and by checking her email I confirmed those suspicions. This left me feeling angry and vulnerable yet again. I tried to put it out of my mind and just hang on to the hope that MyLove really would be with me in the future, but that didn�t work really great and we ended up having a blow out a few days later. However, after the blow out I felt a lot better and a lot more hopeful for our future. I�m still feeling this way, but now I�m faced with the fact that TheEXfromHELL is coming to Michigan for a visit at the end of February and planning to stay at MyLove�s. MyLove tells me that she plans to volunteer for shut downs at work at that time, which will keep her working nights for 12 days in a row while TheEXfromHELL is here. I asked her why and she said that it was easier than �getting into it� with either TheEXfromHELL or me. My feelings on this is that I�m the one she is in a relationship with, therefore, the only person she should be concerned about �getting into it� with would be me. But I�m afraid to say that to her, because I don�t want to �get into it.� So where does that leave me now? It leaves me feeling like shit once again. Like the coward that I am. I should be able to express my feelings to MyLove like she always is able to express hers to me. Maybe I will, maybe I won�t...who the hell knows.

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