Going well...
2003-1-27, 3:56 p.m.

I am very excited because I made an appointment for MyLove and I to talk to a clinic about IVF on February 13. My brain keeps telling me there�s a possibilty that this is too soon, but it feels right to me. I am 33, MyLove is 36, it�s not like we have the luxury of having all the time in the world. I also know that we will make awesome parents. I realize there�s still the chance that things might not work out with us because we don�t have a �history� yet, but who cares really. TheEXHubby and I had history, but we didn�t work out in the end anyway. You never know and life is too short and I want to be a mother. I can see it with MyLove more than I could ever see it...that has to mean something. So I�m going to go for it. MyLove is as excited about it as I am...we even have names picked out. Preston James for a boy and Madison Ann for a girl. I could be pregnant with MyLove�s baby in a very short while and that thought makes me very happy.

Things are going really well actually. I guess I�m surprised. I figured that things would continue in the good/bad cycle as usual, but it�s been about three weeks of good, with no sign of bad...which is so wonderful, I can�t express how happy I am. And on top of that, I don�t have that feeling of doom over me that I had even in the beginning of our relationship. That feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think the reason for this is that I don�t have the overwhelming fear of losing MyLove anymore. I used to concentrate so much energy on the possibility of losing her that I didn�t give myself the chance to feel the love and be confident in that love.

I realized too that it seems that in all my relationships, romantic and otherwise, that my mood seems to affect people very strongly. I don�t know if that is because I am usually so calm and laid back, that when my emotions swing in a different direction even slightly it is very noticeable to those around me. The unfortunate thing is though that I don�t want to be responsible for being the �positive� one all the time. What about when I�m feeling down, or negative, which isn�t often, but aren�t I entitled? Without risking bringing everyone around me down too? That really sucks. How can I see this differently? For instance, Saturday night I was feeling crabby, irritable, and emotional, and MyLove picked up on it right away and instead of supporting me through it, she got crabbv and irritable too. This of course made me feel even worse. So in the future how can avoid this? I have to think about that.

The good news is that even though MyLove and I were both crabby and irritable, we still got a long. That�s great. We talked, laughed, played cards, and games and enjoyed each other�s company. I forgot what led MyLove and I to be friends in the first place a long time ago. We were friends and we enjoyed each other�s company....and finally that is now starting to surface again.

Finally I feel like we are just another couple loving each other and being in love and letting it happen instead of trying to analyze and control it.

My biggest issue now remains my fear/inability to make decisions on my own and at the same time balancing that with the fact that MyLove is in my life and some decisions should be made with her...but where is that line? How do I decide? What if I make a wrong decision?

And then there�s TheEXHubby. I wish sometimes that I hadn�t told MyLove ALL of his bad points. Simply because I would like to be able to be on a friendly basis with him, but based on things I�ve told MyLove about him, she doesn�t trust him. I know for an absolute fact that I do not want to get back together with him, but I would like to be friends, but I just don�t think that MyLove will ever be comfortable with that. I realize that it is my choice, but I can�t make myself do something I know would cause her discomfort...and that is my problem. But I hope that maybe eventually she will feel comfortable in the knowledge that she never has to worry about me going back to TheEXHubby. In the meantime I will keep my distance from him and keep MyLove informed when I talk to him, so that she knows I am not hiding anything from her.

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