Frustration!!!
2003-2-5, 4:00 p.m.

Things are still going really well actually. We did have our first fight in a few weeks, but that�s okay...couples fight. I was worried that we would slip back into the old patterns again after the fight, but so far we haven�t.

I am frustrated though that MyLove doesn�t seem to want to spend as much time with me as before. She says she is bored because right now she is off while I am at work, so all day long she has to stay at the house without me or her computer and she gets bored. I can see that, but I just feel that seeing me when I get home should be worth a day or two of boredom to her, but I guess not. So now she spends a day or two with me, then goes home and we end up not being able to see each other for a week at a time and that is so very frustrating. I�m still in the honeymoon phase of missing her when she leaves the room, let alone when she is gone for days at a time. But I guess I have to survive, I don�t have much choice there because I have told her how I feel, but I refuse to beg. I�m not sure begging would work anyway, when she gets something in her mind it�s hard to change it.

I�m still worried about the impending visit of TheEXfromHELL. MyLove assures me that I have no need to worry, but I can�t help but remember that she has told me that many times in the past, yet it turned out that I had a lot to worry about. But what can I do? I�ve told her my feelings, that�s all I can do. I can�t force her not to let TheEXfromHELL stay with her...so I guess I just have to trust her and live with it. At least that is easier to do this time around. I love her very very much, but I�ve come to realize that although I don�t want to, I can live without her if I had too. I also have come to realize that MyLove doesn�t want to lose me either. So knowing this gives me some strength. But still the thought of TheEXfromHELL staying in the apartment, that was �our� apartment, sleeping in �our� bed (even without MyLove); and driving MyLove�s cars that she is so damn picky about just drives me insane with jealousy. Not to mention the fact that I won�t be able to see MyLove during that time....that�s the worst part of all I think. Oh well what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing. But I�d better get a handle on my anger or otherwise it�s going to explode when I least expect it...and it�s not going to be pretty.

I�m so fucking sick of TheEXfromHELL at this point I could scream. Ever since the beginning of our relationship TheEXfromHELL has been a thorn in my side. I have always prided myself on never hating anyone...but I�m damn close to hating this woman and I�ve never even met her. She drives me insane! Why can�t she just get out of MyLove�s life once and fucking for all? Why can�t MyLove just tell her to move on and get out of her life? I�ve let go of TheEXHubby and we were married for 12 years for christ sake. They just dated on and off for seven years and MyLove cheated on her regularly, yet they can�t seem to let go of each other for good. Though they are a hell of a lot closer to letting go now than the were, but it�s just not good enough. I�m afraid that I�ll have to deal with the ghost of TheEXfromHELL for the rest or our relationship. How can I hate someone I don�t even know? Why do I hate her so much anyway? Is she really such a threat to me, or am I just perceiving that? It really feels sometimes like TheEXfromHELL does things just to piss me off. I know that�s stupid, but that�s how it feels. It kills me that she sends e-cards to MyLove that are identical to ones I�ve sent her, or that she seems to always know when to call that will bother me the most, and her visit seems timed perfect to MyLove�s work schedule....I just can�t stand it!! I wonder how MyLove would have reacted had this been me and an ex? I suspect that she would not have suck around though it, and at the very least would have been much more vocal about her dislike for the situation. I guess it�s my own damn fault that I have stuck through it and I haven�t been more vocal, but I didn�t want to risk losing MyLove....oh hell...I JUST WISH TheEXfromHELL WOULD MOVE ON AND LEAVE US ALONE!!! Yes I sense the hostility and I don�t like it but I can�t get rid of it. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

No I don�t feel better, but I will.

last - next