A New Year
2002-12-31, 3:39 p.m.

Well I�m not sure what the status of me and MyLove is at this very moment. Yesterday afternoon we had a huge fight and she told me that she couldn�t trust me and that she couldnt� be with someone she didn�t trust. So it was over. However, she proceeded to call me several times throughout the night and I called her as well and over the discussions we talked things out and decided to meet on Wednesday still.

I�m very confused at the moment. Every part of me wants to be with her, but I don�t know if I can handle the fact that she can twist and turn things so easily. Her ability to do that, far outweighs my ability not to let it affect me. So I end up feeling bad for something that I shouldn�t really feel bad for.

The whole fight was over the phone bill again. She told me that her phone bill was going to be over $300.00 again a few days ago and plainly accused me of making excessive calls which showed that I didn�t give a shit about her. I denied making excessive calls and knew that there was no way I made $300.00 worth of calls. So to prove this to myself I called the phone company and pretended to be her and asked them how many calls to area code 519 there were. There were 16 calls totaling $85.00. Then I asked what area code had the most calls and charges and it was area code 702, which is TheEXfromHELL�s area code. There were 42 calls to her totalling $95.00. When I pointed this out to MyLove she tells me that she never accused me of making all the calls, and that I knew about all the calls to TheEXfromHELL, and that she can�t trust me not to check up on her. But the fact is I plainly remember her exact words and she did accuse me of making tons of calls and she told me plainly that she used a calling card to call TheEXfromHELL and that TheEXfromHELL called her more than she called TheEXfromHELL anyway.

The whole crux of the matter is, that no I did not believe I had spent that much in calls to Canada and I found out for myself. Is this checking up on her? Maybe, but what if I hadn�t? Would she have ever told me that it was really only $85.00 instead of the $285.00 she told me at first?

The amazing thing is, I�m not even mad, I�m just sad, because it seems that she is doing everything in her power to push me away....and I�m fighting it, but I don�t know how much longer I can fight. I just want her to love me. But I�m not sure that she can.

I asked her what she was so afraid of last night. She said, she�s not sure, afraid of being happy, afraid of losing TheEXfromHELL, afraid of being with me. Why would anyone be afraid to be with me? I�m easy going, I like to have fun, all I ask for is love, kindness, and affection. I�m forgiving, I�m easy to talk too. Why doesn�t she want me? How can she love me, but not want to be with me? I don�t understand.

For the first time though, this fight didn�t cause me to go into hysterics. Don�t get me wrong, I cried on and off all night long, but it was more crying out of frustration. I don�t know if that�s because deep inside I feel that she won�t give this up; or maybe I�m reaching the point where I�ve had enough and if it ends it ends, I�ll be sad, but I can move on. I don�t know which it is. I know when I think of losing her it makes me very sad, but sometimes I wonder if we can actually be happy together. But I know that we can, but I also know that it is going to take a lot of work between us to do that. And, especially work on herself. Even though she tells me that she doesn�t need fixing, she does. She needs to work on her fear of commitment, her fear of who the hell knows what!! And she needs to work on the fact that she can say something to me and then turn around and deny that she said it. But I know what she said and exactly how she said, yet she has the ability to remember it the way she wants to remember it and then twist it around to make it my fault. I can�t handle that.

Bottom line is, I love her and I will give her time and space because I�m not in a hurry to start a new relationship with anyone else, but I will no longer take the back seat to TheEXfromHELL, I will no longer allow her to make me feel responsible for her fears, her frustrations, etc. I want to be able to trust her, but she has twisted things around so many times that I find myself wondering where in the middle of it all does the truth really exist?

I love her and I hope that she is willing to love me enough to make some changes, but if not, then I guess we weren�t meant to be.

In the meantime, I�m getting used to living alone, it already is not as bad as I thought. I feel myself emerging from a cocoon almost, sounds corny, but as if I have wings. I�m not scared anymore, at least not right now. It�s a very liberating feeling. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know that no matter what happens with MyLove and I, I will be okay, I can survive, and I can be happy with myself.

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