Moving
2002-12-30, 3:38 p.m.

I moved into the new house this weekend. I cried all day Friday and most of the day on Saturday. It is such a scarey feeling that it overwhelms me sometimes to the point of near hysteria. I wish more than anything that I had my mom with me. I know that she and I would have gone shopping for things for the house and she would have been so excited for me. But now I just feel alone. Utterly alone.

Christmas was pretty good actually. MyLove and I managed to get along for two days in a row, which lately is a record. But the day after....bam another fight. She is still accusing me of using her. I don�t know how to prove to her that I�m not. She blamed me for another excessive phone bill, but I know that it was just as much her calls to TheEXfromHELL as it was any of my calls to my friends or family. I�m sure she knows this, but why she insists on blaming it on me, I have no idea. The worst part is that I find myself accepting the blame, what is wrong with me? Why don�t I have a back bone?

Why do I let the fear of losing her control me so much? I tell myself that if we�re meant to be we�ll be, no matter what, but for some reason I can�t just let it be. I have this overwhelming urge to hang on to her no matter what....why? I know that it�s not that I�m afraid of being alone as far as a relationship goes, because I know that I could find someone to be with if I wanted too, but I don�t want anyone else. I want her. Why do I want her so bad?

She�s asked me why I love her and it is a hard question to answer. But I�ve come up with a few things. I love her eyes, I love her little kid voice, I love the way (she used to) open the car door for me, I love the way she holds me in her arms and I can hear her heart beat, I love the way she kisses me and I can feel it down to my toes, I love the way she talks sexy to me, I love the way her hair smells and feels as it falls down around my face when she lays over me, I love the way she dances in the car to R&B music, I love the way she is so good at things, I love the way she looks when she wakes up in the morning, I love the way she looks in her braid before work, I love the way she smells, tastes, feels....everything.

But is all of that worth, giving myself up again? I don�t know. I just wish I didn�t have to. I wish she would just be with me and only me and leave TheEXfromHELL alone. But I fear that she never will. What am I willing to put up with? How long am I willing to put up with it? Am I willing to risk losing her and tell her to make a choice once and for all? I don�t know. I just don�t know.

I do know that it hurts so much to know that she loves TheEXfromHELL still, and the not knowing how she�s feeling right now hurts too. I just want the MyLove who wanted me to be with her, be with her, be with her, back.....where did she go? Will she ever come back?

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