My instincts were right...sort of.
2002-12-20, 3:36 p.m.

Well MyLove is back from Vegas and my instincts were right. She is still confused. She still loves us both and probably wants us both to just agree to share her. But she knows that is unrealistic. I do believe that she wants to be with me, marry me, have a family with me, but it scares her to commit and leave her safety net behind.

Last night we argued, broke up, made up, fought, made up, fought, made up, all night long. She feels like everything comes back to me all the time, but really it is all about her. Her indecision, her panic attacks at living with someone, her in ability to commit to one person. Yeah all those things do affect me however, and I try to explain how it makes me feel, but she says when I tell her how I�m feeling that I�m not there for her. I don�t know what to do anymore. I love her more than anything, but I�ve already given myself up for 13 years for a relationship, I really don�t want to do that again.

I am going to move to the house after Christmas and come March or April if she and I are still together and she wants to move in with me, that will make me very happy. At this point, though, I have doubts that that will happen. Especially in light of the fact that TheEXfromHELL is supposed to be moving back to Michigan in June.

I�d like to get MyLove and I into see a counselor, but I don�t know if she�s willing. I�ll broach the subject soon. At any rate, I am going to continue to see a counselor for my own self. I really need to work on a lot of things. Namely the ability to stand up to MyLove�s threats of breaking up, and/or not wanting me anymore. I think I did that okay last night. I let them go and saw them for what they were...a cry for help. So I just held her. It felt good to hold her and to wrap my love around her. But I do realize that in order for progress to be made, she has to be willing to do some work on herself too.

I don�t want to believe that she is destined to be alone, as she thinks. In fact I don�t believe anyone is, you can change your own destiny, you just have to want to do it. I think that change is a difficult thing for her. I can only hope that our love is worth it to her to make the changes she needs to make.

I�m at the point now though where I am tired of the roller coaster ride and tired of being made to feel like I don�t care, like I�m not trustworthy, like I�m only out to use her, and other negative things she has said or inferred. I don�t deserve that and I�m not going to put up with it anymore.

Now how do I say that to her without losing her? Cause underneath it all I don�t want to lose her, but I feel that it may have to be a risk I take in order to keep myself from being tormented continually. How do I be there for her, yet not allow her to take out all her frustrations on me?

last - next