way too many questions
2003-12-03, 9:04 a.m.

Okay what is up with people? I'm frustrated.

Let's start with MyLove....so we had the whole "I wanna be single" talk. She agreed. She didn't like it, but she agreed. Then yesterday she has a cow when she reads a post on one of the message boards where I winked at someone! Winked! What the fuck? So she gets angry, hangs up on me a bunch of times, and then tells me it'll be okay. She says she took out a loan to pay off the rest of her bills and have enough to move out by January. This is a good thing. But the frustrating part of it is, I'm not sure I believe it. And she would be angry if I told her that. But what does she expect? Every step of the way she lies to me, and then expects me to believe her. I guess I'll have to chalk that up to "time will tell."

Then there's my friend Dobbie. From the very beginning of our friendship she has adamantly claimed she wants nothing more than friendship. Even after we got to know each other she said that. She even went so far as to say, that we don't have the same goals in life and we'd never work out as a couple, etc. But now, it seems, whenever I speak about MyLove she gets all bummed out. What is up with that? I mean if she likes me, she should tell me. Right? Truth be told though, she was right, we do have different goals, and it wouldn't work out between us...so what is up with that? Now I feel like shit anytime something good happens with MyLove. I guess I'll just stop telling her.

Then at bowling last night. My one teammate was so totally flirting with me, and I could tell her girlfriend was not liking it much. And, my teammates are telling me that a different teammate likes me...sheesh!

But what gets me is this. I keep forgetting that I'm a great catch. I'm loyal, forgiving, trusting, caring, loving....and I have very few faults. So why does MyLove treat me the way she does sometimes? Why doesn't she value me? Why do I let her not value me? Why do I feel like I'll be alone forever, when logically I know I won't?

Why am I so afraid to lose MyLove? Is it because she makes me feel different than anyone ever has? Yes. But maybe I've never given anyone else that chance? Why can't she give me the same courtesies and forgiveness that I've given her? She can't even forgive me for something I haven't even done yet!

Why can't she surprise me by coming up to bowling sometime? Why can't she show up at work to take me to lunch? Why can't she even manage to email me once a week? Why didn't she even give me a card for my birthday? Am I asking for too much?

When she says, "I seem to not be doing the right thing with you." Why can't I say, you're right you're not! Why do I feel guilty?

But other times she says just the right thing, she looks at me just the right way, she does just the right thing....and it makes it all better. Sigh. Why can't she love me consistently? Is she capable of it? Is it me? Is it her? Is it TheExFromHell?

Oh hell I've asked way too many questions....can't tell I'm confused as shit! Good thing I've got my counseling tonight.

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