Just me
2003-12-04, 9:54 a.m.

I had two very intresting conversations last night. First I had a very honest and open discussion with Dobbie. It seems my gut was right, she was starting to like me too much. It really surprised me and her. She's been so very cynical about love and relationships that neither of us thought that she would have "feelings" for anybody for awhile. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I do like her. If MyLove wasn't in the picture would I date her? Yeah I would. But she and I still have some very basic issues that we just don't mesh on. But we talked and I think we both felt better and we'll still be friends. She has just asked for some time and space for now.

Now for MyLove. She and I also had a very interesting conversation last night. I said to her, how come I have people that get to know me and they want to love me the way I want to be loved all the time, yet you make me jump through hoops? You love me at your convenience. She then got super defensive and angry. I remained calm and let her calm down and then we talked. I realized a few things last night. Mainly I realized that she's afraid of losing me. Despite her bravado and her show of strength, she is terrified of losing me. I also realized that she understands on an intellectual level that she's really fucked things with us up. She also realizes that it is going to take a lot of work and patience for me to trust her again. So where does that leave me? I can't honestly say I know.

I do know that I love her with all my heart. That never changes. I do know that IF she could work out some of her issues about commitment and trust, we could have the fairy tale life. But do I believe completely that she will get past those issues? No. That will have to come in time. Right now I'm just going to go with the flow. Do what feels right and good and avoid things that feel bad.

I do love her. I do want to be with her. I do want the family that she and I talk about together. But a really big part of me is afraid of her. Afraid of a life of always wondering if she's going to walk out when it gets to tough, or withhold her love when she gets down, or worst of all....never fully let TheExFromHell go.

What it all comes down to is that I need to feel happy within myself. I need to realize that I don't need to settle for the scraps of love that anybody might throw my way. I need to be able to love myself.

So that is what I'm going to work on. Me. Just me.

Oh and this is day four with no smoking! WooHoo!!

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