wonderful weekend
2003-12-08, 8:46 a.m.

First off I want to say a great big thanks to those of you who have left me comments. I really appreciate the support.

Now, on to my weekend! I had a great, great time! Thursday MyLove suggested that we get a hotel room for the weekend near where she works. It also happens to be near my favorite gay bar too. So that's what we did. Friday I met up with DJ and a bunch of other friends at the bar while MyLove worked. I had a really great time. I danced and watched the show and met some really fun people. Although it would have been nicer to have MyLove there because by the end of the night everyone was coupled up and I felt kind of alone, but not lonely. I felt loved and lucky to be in love.

Then I went back to the room and waited for my love to get off work in the morning. She woke me with a beautiful kiss and some tend lovemaking, then we fell back to sleep until 2:00 in the afternoon. We spent a few hours after that, talking about things. About us, about our past, about our future. She told me I was right, that she has taken my love and forgiveness for granted, that she has at times made me and our relationship less of a priority than it should be, she has failed to communicate her needs, and has been an overall "horse's ass" (her words, not mine). She also said she knows that I've heard it all before, but she she's not going to talk about it anymore, just do it. I have faith in her. I have to have faith in her because I'm not ready to give it up yet. We both agreed that this is our last chance. I cannot take much more.

Saturday evening she went back to work and I was left to do whatever I wanted. So I took myself out for a steak dinner, and some Christmas shopping. Then I headed back to the gay bar for some karaoke and to watch the drag show. I spent the whole day by myself and enjoyed every minute of it. I've come a long way this year...I really have.

So today I'm tired, but I'm happy. I'm somewhat hesitant, but ready to work on this relationship and most of all ready to let MyLove take the lead. I'm not going to be the one to continually make this work....and she says she is ready for it.

I've realized for myself though that as long as I hang on to any part of MyLove, I cannot let anyone else get too close to me. So far I've hurt two people, even though I was honest with them every step of the way. It just seems that it is rare to be able to find a lesbian friend where one of you doesn't try to take it to the next level, no matter what is said. So, I think I'm going to steer clear of meeting new people for while. It just causes me too much guilt. As long as I've got MyLove in my heart, there's no room for anybody else.

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