Hope
2004-12-10, 9:55 a.m.

I am breathing easy again. Eagle is back to her old, warm, loving self. However, she's feeling like a big heel for the asswipe she's been for the past week or so. Actually she's been no picnic for a month. But the Adderall seems to be gone from her system now and even her eyes look different. I'm glad to have her back. I told her last night that when she's being a big butt head the worst part of it is that I miss her. I miss that warm, loving, caring person that is my best friend. She held me tight and then decided that we should open our Christmas presents from Santa which mysteriously showed up on the coffee table a few nights ago.

So, as we laid in our bed cuddling, we opened the boxes and inside were matching rings. They are called the Maze of Life rings.

The symbolism behind them is this: "Maze of Life," a maze which can sometimes confuse us . . . but the ring also symbolizes the creative powers we have within us to overcome lifes obstacles and realize our goals. I love them. They are perfect for us. She and I have overcome many obstacles so far, and I'm sure there will be more to come. But overall, life gets better and better.

Eagle wants to do some kind of committment ceremony someday. I do as well. However, she's insistent that I be legally divorced first. I can understand that. Just need to find the time and money for it though.

Sometimes I look at Eagle and I wonder how I got here. Five years ago I was dead. I was married and alone. But that was my life. Now here I am with this woman whom I love. And it's not even weird. It's like I belong here. Don't get me wrong though, sometimes I crave that normalcy of heterosexual relationships. Where you can hold hands in public; where people don't mistake your girlfriend for a guy; where we can get married and share our lives together. It's strange to be in the middle of this life, but strange in a good way. I'm very happy despite the obstacles that we keep running into. I pretty confident that someday the road will smooth itself out.

Everyday I look at how Eagle has come along. A year ago, her house was trashed, her life was a mess, and she was getting ready to set the date to end her life. Then along I came and shook it all up. Now she's got a beatiful home, some ambition, no designs on suicide, and hope within her heart that she gave up a long time ago.

Hope does wonders for the soul.

last - next