The Lump in the Throat
2002-12-12, 3:04 p.m.

Doing okay today. The lump in my throat is there and probably will be there until MyLove gets back from Vegas a week from today. Right now I am focusing on getting through the next two days at work. Focusing has been a problem, but I am functioning somewhat well.

Yesterday MyLove and I had a blow out. I think it had been building on my part for a few days and I also think that it was something we both needed. I told her that I felt like she went after me and then when she got me she didn�t want me anymore. I know that�s not exactly true, but I do believe that part of our problems may be that she misses the �chase.� And right now TheEXfromHELL is the furtherest away so she is chasing her, not really, but close enough.

I told her that she doesn�t seem to give a shit that it hurts me to hear her tell TheEXfromHELL on the phone that she loves her, and to know that TheEXfromHELL wants her back, and to know that however remote, there is still the possibility that she wants TheEXfromHELL too. She doesn�t think her relationship with TheEXfromHELL is any of my business. That hurt to hear for sure.

She also told me she doesn�t feel I contribute to the apartment financially, or otherwise. I explained that I do feel that I do, that I have given her money from my paychecks, totalling at least $800, since I�ve been there, and that I have bought groceries, paid for gas, parking, lunches, and Christmas gifts. She tried to express her dismay at having to pay off $5,000.00 to credit cards because of the two engagement rings she bought for us. But I pointed out to her that I told her not to do that in the first place, that I didn�t need a ring. She then said that she feels like her first day off every four days is spent cleaning, while I do nothing. This is not true either. Admittedly, I haven�t spent one day cleaning the entire apartment, and I have only dusted once, and vacuumed once in the 7 weeks I�ve been there, but I have consistenly picked up after myself, done several loads of laundry, changed the bedding, filled and emptied the dishwasher several times, taken out the trash, cleaned the bathroom, etc., but she says that I only do those things to get �credit.� So I found myself once again promising to change for her. The only difference is that I do want to change, and I have been changing, it is just not an overnight process. So we discussed financially that I will give her a set amount each pay check to go toward household expenses, and that I would set aside the rest of my check for my expenses, gas, cigarettes, parking, lunches, etc. I don�t really like this arrangement, but I will live with it, and it will help me to get my financial act together as well.

But then again we have also decided that I am going to move out to a house that we were supposed to move into together. The reason I am going is so that we don�t have to lose the house, and we also not pay a stiff penalty on breaking the lease at the apartment. But I also think it might do us some good to live apart for a while. The house is only going to cost $200 to $300.00 a month in rent, which I can easily afford on my own. And it will give me a sense of being on my own, even if for a little while. I am afraid that it will tear her and I apart, but I am also aware of the possibilty of it bringing us together as well. So only time will tell.

I am aware that I am rambling on and on here and not really making much sense. I guess that�s cause my mind is constantly on MyLove and me and my hope that all will be well when she gets back from Vegas.

In the meantime though I have built some walls around myself to hopefully protect me a bit from the heartbreak I could experience if MyLove decides she doesn�t want me afterall. And also to strengthen myself in case I get to the point where I can�t take her rigidity and she is unwilling to bend. I do want to change many things about myself, but I will not be made to feel like I am the only one that needs to change, she needs to meet me somewhere in the middle and if she is unwilling, then I need to have the strength to move on. Boy it kills me even to type that statement. How the hell am I supposed to follow through with that?

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