When do I get to be happy?
2002-12-13, 3:27 p.m.

I�m depressed. I cried myself to sleep last night. I�m not really even sure I know why I am depressed. I think there are many factors. Last night I just keep wishing with all my might that I could talk to my mother, get her insights, get a hug from her. I felt very very lonely, and I�m feeling like I�m just sort of dangling by a thread above an endless pit. Boy if that doesn�t sound depressed, I don�t know what does. Usually I can get myself out of these feelings, but I�m really feeling powerless over it right now.

In the meantime I�m still coping with the possibility of losing MyLove, and in some ways my heart is hardening slowly but surely. I am afraid at some point it will harden totally. I do love her so very much, but sometimes I want to just scream that she�s not all that and a bag of chips. She is a very great �catch�, but she�s a pain to live with, she�s somewhat materialistic, a neat freak, has a fear of commitment, has an extrodinary ability to lie with a straight face, always has a �loop hole� to get out of trouble when confronted, and is a player.

I think that MyLove�s childhood was so chaotic, scarey, unpredictable, and probably even messy, that she has tried her hardest in her adult life to prove that she is not any of the things that her familly was. And she�s done a good job, but she�s gotten herself so set in her ways, that it may be impossible for her to let anyone share her life with her. And that terrifies me.

I�m 33 years old and my God is it hard to start all over. I felt that when I left my marriage, I really didn�t have much to lose, but I did. I lost comfort, stability, friendship and other positive things. I�m not regretting my decision to leave, but I am feeling the loss of those things big time. I�m trying hard to get those feelings back in my new life, but it is hard.

MyLove has been somewhat distant too. I know that she may be tired, but she is also distant. I fear sometimes that she is just saying things that I want to hear to keep my happy until she can find out what she needs to know in Vegas. And then she can crush my heart face to face when she gets back. I hope with all my heart that that is not true, but I know that she has the ability to talk a good game, and I have the ability to be talked a good game. Is it my instincts that are telling me this, or just depression, that never ending voice of failure in my head telling me that I don�t deserve to be happy, that MyLove would be crazy to love me, that I am in fact unloveable.

I need counseling on a more regular basis for awhile. Tuesday is my next appointment and I am going to ask her if I can either get another 6 sessions with her, or if she can refer me to someone new. I need weekly or more therapy right now. I need to talk and talk and talk and not have to worry about being self-absorbed. I need reassurance right now and I don�t want to ask MyLove for it.

I am excited and I am scared about moving into the house in January. I�m afraid that my moving out of the apartment will leave the door open for MyLove to think that I only used her to leave TheEXHubby, which is not true. Yes she helped me to leave him and I will thank her for that forever, but underneath that is true love, real honest to goodness true love, and I don�t know how to make her see that. She is so afraid that I am using her, and I�m not. I know that I did use her when we were kids, I fully admit that, but I was a kid, 16 years old, and I didn�t know better. That�s not an excuse, but do I really have to be held responsible for it now? And �used� isn�t really the right term for it even back then. Yes, I let her take care of me, paying for our outings, etc, but I wasn�t with her for that reason only. I really cared about her and loved spending time with her. Using implies you are only friends with someone for what they give you, but that has never been the case with her and I.

Oh hell I�m done for now, I feel like crying again, I�m tired of feeling like crying, when do I get to be happy?

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