24 Hours
2002-12-15, 3:28 p.m.

Well 24 hours from now, the love of my life will be 3,000 and several time zones away from me. The the thought of it right now sends little tenticals of panic across my spine, but it doesn�t totally imobilize me either, which is a good thing. Over the past weekend I have really come to believe that everything will all work out for the best in the end. My belief is that MyLove will come home to me and be dedicated to me and her 100% and ready to leave TheEXfromHELL in the past. I am not kidding myself that there won�t still be bumps ahead in our relationship, that is part of a healthy relationship. But I know that we can make it through them.

I have started to get more comfortable in my new adult mode and I have had to check myself to make sure I�m not just doing things just to �please� MyLove. I am making sure that the things I do are something that I feel need to be done and if that pleases MyLove that�s great, but I am not hanging on to the fear that if I do something that doesn�t please her, that she will just discard me. That is a good feeling. After all, she has shown me the best love that I have ever received from anyone in my life. She really does know how to love me. I just need to relax and let her. I also feel that I know how to love her, but I am getting to know her slower than she is getting to know me, and I think that is because she hides herself better than I do.

MyLove is such a very strong person, but underneath her coat of armor she has a very tender and easily bruised heart. Her armor is so strong sometimes that I can�t penetrate it, but I am practicing and learning to listen to her, and to really hear her. She often tells me what I need to be doing without her even being aware of it, and therefore, sometimes I�m not aware of it either. For example, she tends to ask me questions that she would like me to ask her. Such as, are you doing okay? How do you feel? Anything bothering you? At first I took those questions at their face and would answer honestly. Now, however, although I do still answer honestly, I also ask her the question in return and a lot of times, it seems it was a good thing to do at that moment. Just simple things like this are sometimes difficult for me to see, and especially in MyLove. I think that is because all these years I have held her on such a high pedistal beleiving that she knew it all, that she needed no one, that she was invicible so to speak.

What I have come to realize is that although she does project somewhat of that image, it was my perception of her and it caused me to lose myself in awe of her and in the end neglect her. Now that I am aware of this it has been much easier to see and to change, but I still sometimes get lost. I forgot my focus, and I fall into old patterns of bowing down to her so to speak and losing myself, and then I remember me again, and bang now I�m angry and I take it out on her or me.

Although it has been hard to be alone these past few days with her at work, I am glad that I chose to embrace that and look into me for awhile. I found some hurts there that I didn�t know were there. I finally admitted that I miss my mom terribly and I could really use a hug from her sometimes lately. I realized that I forgot how to be alone. I realized that it�s not really bad to be alone sometimes. I kinda actually like my company. Of course through all of my realizations though was the constant stream of thoughts about MyLove and how much I love her.

I have never experienced feelings like this. Sometimes they blow me away. Sometimes I am engulfed in fear that I will have finally found this and then somehow lose it. I know that�s a negative that I really need to let go of, but sometimes I drag it back and I have no reason for why. All of a sudden it�s just there again. Other times it is obvious, a telephone ring that could be from TheEXfromHELL, a change in deamenor by MyLove, a song on the radio, a television commercial, an email. Unfortunately I can�t stop all those things from happening, so I have had to start adjusting my thoughts about each item. The past few days being alone I have been able to do that. And I have noticed a visible difference in our demeanor, whether it is my perception or reality, I don�t really care, it is there and it is a positive change, so I�m not going to mess with it.

In all of this though I know that I have a long way to go, but I feel like finally I am at least on the right track. I am not cherishing the thought of not being able to see MyLove face to face for the next four days. I am scared that I will �sense� something that is not there in her voice, or in a hesitation, and throw myself into a panic that I will have no way of getting out of for four very long days. But I am letting that fear go and vowing not to take it back.

last - next