Priceless
2004-12-16, 8:30 a.m.

So last night was okay. During the day Eagle flipped out a few times. Most of the problem is that we are out of money and therefore out of pot. This is the first time she has not managed to find some money or pot. She and I talked about this for a week. We were going to go th is whole week without. She managed to save enough from last time to make through till Tuesday with a little, but yesterday she had none. Now pot for most people is not very addictive, but to her anything mind altering becomes addictive.

Anyway through the day she called or emailed with tempertantrums which I just ignored. After work however, she seemed to have lost the anger and was just sad, shaky, tired, and whiney. I can certainly deal much better with sad, shaky, tired, and whiney....just so long as there's no anger.

Anyway, when we got home, I held her and she cried. I reinforced all of her positives; tried to assure her that she is more than her addictions; that she has the power; and that she's doing well. I think it helped. Surprisingly at some point as I was holding her, we ended up making love and that is odd. She usually cannot switch between sad and wanting to make love easily. But she did, and it was nice. It put both of us in a better frame of mind.

Afterward, she laid dozing on the couch while I got to watch one of my new favorite shows, "Lost." Later we went up to bed and she laid on my chest for awhile and let me hold her. She's never really been comfortable with that, she always had to be the holder rather than the holdee, but she did. I felt her relax in my arms and it was a really beautiful feeling. I've never really had someone relax and let me hold them like that. She told me that I'm her best friend and she trusts me like she has never trusted anyone. I felt closer to her in that moment than I have to anyone ever in my life.

She and I also discussed the fact that she really wants to try and go for disability. I agreed to help her with that. I told her that I still think she has the capablility for more, but that I would support whatever decision she makes. Maybe only she knows what she is truly capable of. But what I do know is that she has come so far. I know she still has a long way to go, but she has come very far and I love her. I truly love her.

I think about what I "gave up" with MyEx and I realize it pales in comparison to what I have now. Yeah, I may be broke, yeah I may have to take care of someone, I may have to play the part of the "responsible" one more, but in the end I have a love that I never thought possible. And best of all, I have someone that loves me, trusts me, and shows me that on a consistent basis. That is truly priceless to me.

With that said, anyone wanna send me some cash for Christmas? lol

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