One more day
2004-12-20, 8:54 a.m.

Ugh. I woke up very very very late, but managed to throw on clothes, grab my lunch, and get to work ON TIME. Thank goodness too because two co-workers called in sick and one called in late. Now I have to spend the day filling in for the cashier and that leaves one other co-worker and my boss. It's going to be one of those days I fear.

I had a good weekend. However yesterday I was sad. I was sad over the fact that I don't have enough money to buy the people I love what I want to buy them for Christmas; I'm sad that my mom is dead, my step-dad is drunk, my real dad's an asshole, and I have no place to go "home" for the holidays.

I realize that Eagle's family has welcomed me completely and I feel blessed for that, but it's not the same. It's not the same as walking into your child hood home, with the familiar smells, and the loving people you've known all your life. It's just not the same.

So I spent the majority of the day crying yesterday. Eagle her best to comfort me. However, she's having a bit of her own thing lately (so what else is new?). Yesterday she flipped between hot and cold; sad and mad; happy and irritated like crazy. It just about drove me crazy too.

The biggest thing that drives me insane is, ANYTHING that I do that upsets her in the tiniest way, she has to tell me. It gets ridiculous. For example. Last night, she ran out to the store to pick up stuff to make for my office celebration today. I realize that she went to the store for me; but I have gone MANY MANY MANY times for her. So anyway, she gets back and realizes that while she was gone, I watched a t.v. show that we had taped that I like and she doesn't like. So she says, "why couldn't you have done this, or that, or this while I was gone?" I said, I could have, but I chose to watch this show. I mean what else can I say? It's not like she and I had talked about me doing anything specific while she was gone. But when I give her my answer, she has to go on and on and on about it. There's no winning.

I told her that she does NOT have to point out everything she feels I do "wrong." I don't do that to her and I'd appreciate it if she would not do it to me. So we get that out of the way, and we get upstairs and once again she has to point something out! And then gets pissed and won't even speak to me. I don't know. Yet, ten minutes later she's laughing at the t.v. and talking to me like nothing happened.

I'm looking forward to my vacation, but I'm also praying that I can actually relax during the time off. I've brought up the subject to her several times. I told her that I do not want to feel like I can't relax while I'm off. She keeps assuring me that she is going to take care of the housework and let me rest for my time off. We'll just see about that. I somehow doubt it.

Well I'd better get to work. Only one more day to go!

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