I need a hill
2004-12-02, 8:38 a.m.

I'm feeling kind of down today. Not really even sure why. I was fine last night. I had my counseling session and I always leave there feeling good. But last night Eagle was miserable. I swear to God there is ALWAYS something wrong with her. In the short time we've been together, she's had countless colds, ear aches, stomach ailments, a broken toe, pulled muscles, and now she may have either a torn muscle or a cracked rib. It's always something! On top of that, there's always her mood swings too.

So last night, I get home, then we leave to go to her cousin's house for a visit and to give her cousin's son his birthday presents. Eagle was loopy from muscle relaxers, so I had to drive, which is not really a problem, except that she's the worst back seat driver ever. WE finally get home around 9:00. She heads upstairs. I cleaned the kitchen, got my lunch ready, got her bedtime snack, ended up making several trips up and down the stairs. Finally 10:00 I get in bed, and now she wants a massage! So, she lays on my lap and I massage her. Fine. We watch a movie and now it's a little after a 11:00. She wants me now to watch a special she taped on Alzhiemers. I said no, I'm tired, and I want to go to sleep. She fucking gets pissy with me! She won't even give me a kiss goodnight or even say goodnight. What the fuck? So I rolled over and tried not to let it bother me. After a few minutes or so, she apologized and pulled me into her arms.

I realize that she's in pain, hell she's ALWAYS in pain of some type or another. It just gets so frustrating.

I guess my mood today is just that I wish sometimes that Eagle could be more "normal." That she wasn't an addict. That she wasn't always sick or in pain of some sort. That she was more often in a good, happy, mood. I feel selfish even thinking these thoughts. I love her, I really do. But sometimes I get tired. It feels like I get up, give my time to the commute to work, then a full day of work, and then I have to come home and be a nurse, or entertainer, or peacemaker, or comforter, or whatever.....but rarely do I get to come home and just be me. Do whatever I want to do, without a hassle.

Oh hell, I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Just one of those valleys we all fall into sometimes I'm sure.

Here's to finding a hill to stand on top of tommorrow!

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