she's an addiction
2003-07-16, 8:52 a.m.

I cannot believe I'm about to write these words. But, I'm considering asking MyLove to move out. I had an enlightening conversation with my ex.

Remember the pushing incident? Well as it turns out, a mutual friend of ours told my ex-mother-in-law, who told my ex-husband. So he was thinking that MyLove was beating me! I assured him that was not the case, but he pointed out that it should never happen. And he's right. He also pointed out how she has treated at least one of my friends...the mutual friend who told all this. He said that when he came for a visit she ignored him. Which isn't completely true. But she was very quiet that night.

But the point of it is that he made me see somethings that I haven't seen. I stepped outside of it just breifly enough to see that she does not treatment the way I deserve to be treated. Simple as that. Yes I've known this on a very basic level for awhile now, but it's so much deeper than I saw before.

So why am I with her still? I still can't answer that question. I can't explain it. I can't justify it any more.

It's like smoking....she's an addiction! I know smoking is bad for me, yet I crave that cigarette. I know that she's no good for me, but yet I crave her touch. I crave the way the nicotine enters my system and gives me that instant gratification. I crave the way her smile melts my heart. I feel the satisfaction from each inhale as I watch the smoke curl up into the air. I breath a sigh of contentment after each kiss she places on my lips.

I don't know if I can kick this habit.

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